Wahai Diri

The saddest part is when the people around you try to console you and tell you that things are going to be better.

The most painful part is knowing that the people around you are trying their hardest to understand you despite the fact that they're not even experiencing it first-hand.

The worst part is knowing that people care.

Well, things don't always go the way want them to. To see the rainbow you have to put up with the rain, huh? Sometimes you win and sometimes you don't. That's life. And along the way you learn, and in the end, you'll find out that you really did win, only in a totally different way.

Life is a bed of roses with thorns to hurt you and little bugs to make you feel uncomfortable. I'm currently having myself locked up in my room by the way, because I've decided that human interaction would make me feel ten times worse. Need a time out actually. And in this moments of solace, I've found that...

It's not so bad though, to fail

Because at least you get to taste failure

At least you realise that you're not that little miss perfect you always thought you were (reality check, people)

At least you don't get lost in your own castle-in-the-air

At least you wouldn't forget how it feels when you first started off

At least later, when you reach success, you won't be the bitch that you've always hated during your failure

At least you know that you have someone to turn up to

At least you know that Allah loves you

Dude, last time I remembered, you told me you wanted "what's best for you", isn't that right? So just think of this as some kind of path that'll lead you to that thing that's best for you eventually. Doesn't sound so bad now does it?

Gah!. Why does it feel so hard to accept your own advice. Jari-jemari saja yang rancak menari mengikut rentak yang diisyaratkan oleh otak. Hati? Susah pula nak mengikut irama yang dimainkan oleh gabungan duet antara fikiran dan anggota badan. Biasalah, I'm only human mah. Terkadang rasa aku nie cakap tak serupa bikin ja. Ayat bukan main lagi mengajak itu dan ini, tapi untuk diri aku menerima dan mengaplikasikannya, agak sukar.

Geleng kepala.

Ya Rabb

Ya Allah, takdirkanlah apa yang terbaik bagiku dan rakan-rakanku. Sesungguhnya Engkau yang Maha Mengetahui sedangkan kami tidak mengetahui.

Ada kalanya aku inginkan sesuatu sedangkan sesuatu itu akan membawa keburukan kepadaku.

Dan ada kalanya aku tidak mahukan sesuatu sedangkan itulah yang terbaik bagiku.

Yakinlah, kau dah berusaha. Allah lihat pada perjalanan, bukan destinasi. Allah nilai melalui usaha, bukan natijah

It's tough sometimes, to tell yourself that it's okay, to pick yourself up from the ground and brush the dirt off your clothes, to remind you that you've still got another chance. Easier said than done, they say, but how can we gauge the difficulty level if we don't try.

Just a small reminder to self to keep me from breaking apart in the days to come.

"Crush" dari Seberang

Him: *places a bingo word with a blank tile on the board*
Me: *challenges the word*
Him: *points towards the blank tile and says "A"*
Me: *writes the word on a piece of paper*.
Him: *points again and says A*
Me: *just nods*
Him: *points yet again and says the same letter*
Me: *nods but starts thinking: wait, probably he means the letter "E"*
Me: Ohhhh.. E? *Writes the letter e on the paper*
Him: Yes
Me: Haha.. Owh okay..

Tak sangka pulak yang aku akan tulis kat blog pasal benda nie. But let's just pretend that this is just another fictitious short story. Tiada kaitan dengan yang hidup mahupun yang telah meninggal dunia. I added in some hiperbola and tokok tambah so it'll be something that is totally impossible to believe. Again, this is not a true story, just based on one. Let's begin.

********

I didn't realize it then, but towards the end of the game, it suddenly occurred to me that this opponent of mine is kinda cute. Okay, okay, don't get me wrong. I know how easily I see something or someone as cute or adorable, but this is a totally different situation (I'm obsessed with everything cute). We're talking about an Indonesian guy here people, just as the above conversation suggests. I didn't even know he wasn't a Malaysian up to that point, and all that while I had been using Malay language. Darn. Well back to the discussion at hand.

So yeah, he's a really good scrabble player too. It was the fifth round and we were ranked based on our results from the third game. Surprisingly I was ranked 9 and him 10, so it was as if we were destined to meet at that time and place. Okay, kidding. It was a huge mistake (for me), because ranking high means none other than meeting with those terer people, and I knew that I wasn't ready for that. I mean, these are the people who practiced yo! And the only practice I did all this while was the scrabble app on my ipad, and even that was nowhere near memorizing the long list of 2-letter and 3-letter words and bingo combinations and wjvz words. I have time constrains, what with all the softball practice and assignments and the typically busy life of yours truly.

Up to this point I have realized that I have diverged from the topic twice already. Where shall I begin again? Oh yes, let's skip to the point where he did three bingos. Yup. That wasn't a typo people. I seriously mean three bingos; dead serious. This person's insane. Well, you know what they I say: scrabble is half on luck itself. Sometimes you get the right combinations for a bingo. Sometimes you just get stuck with difficult letters without having any idea of where to dump it.

Anyway, back to our game. We finished off with a spread of 100+. That's quite huge, but I was pleased nevertheless. I mean, it's not like I expect a win or something, what with the top scorers and all. So then his friend came along. I'm not really the observant type - I don't really scrutinize people's face, not even my opponent's, especially if it's a he - so I don't remember which friend of his it was. They talked about something that I understood for a fraction of a second before it simply slipped my mind afterwards. They were talking about their game, not sure exactly what it was about; I don't like paying attention to people's conversation.

So yeah, I lost. Bad. And he was good. Damn good. What happened next was my very first experience. He held his hand out (obviously for a handshake). You know, like what people do in competitions. I simply shook my head with a mixture of awe and perplexity. Quite taken aback, but he was quick to apologize. I let out a chuckle to reduce the awkwardness that might occur if I were to leave my expression blank. His buddy said something that goes like, "weyh apa la kau nie..". In Indonesian, that is. And he was like, mana la aku tau...

Like I said, I didn't realize that he was kinda cute until we finished playing. Thank goodness though, because the last thing I want is sweat profusely if someone whom I think is cute would sit in front of me for an hour or so. Dreadful. And so I we both left the table.

I feel stupid for the next few hours. No, not the stupid stupid. I mean I feel stupid for having the urge to find him, but since I am aware that it would bring me no benefit at all, I decided it best that I didnt even try. And so I didn't. But I knew he would always be seated at the first tables, just because he's so awesome (in scrabble). I made an intentionally accidental glance towards him for half a second, smile like an idiot and look away. Geez. Facepalm. How much more pathetic can girls be.

The thought of taking his picture (or taking a picture with him) did occur to me, but once again I decided it best for me not to do so. I'll just have to trust my memory to keep fragments of images of him. Even now after more than 24 hours of the end of the scrabble competition, I have lost a generous amount of mental images of him. Surely in a few days or weeks to come, the memory of him would disappear as if it never even existed, given the fact that I have to get back to my oh-so-hectic life in school. At least I have his signature XD

*********

That is all for this ridiculously unrealistic tale of a girl having a two-day crush of a person from a different country that is not that far away from her own. Sorry to burst your bubble, but no matter how great (or how lame, depending on your judgement) this anecdote may be, it's still merely some made up story that shouldn't be trusted. Although, I can relate this story to something that really happens in real life. You see how easy it is to feel that you like someone? I mean, the character in the story didn't even see that one coming; having an instant crush on someone she just met. It depends on how we deal with these stuff. Just don't get too overboard because in the end, we are only meant for that one person that has been destined for us. I'm not so sure of the main point of this entry, but hopefully you get the gist. 

*see how I so cleverly diverged your attention to something more beneficial?* XP

Quote di atas macam tiada kaitan sangat. But nvm

Thoughts for the day

Manusia, walau betapa yakinnya mereka akan keupayaan mereka untuk mengetepikan perkara itu, tetap jua perlu terima hakikat bahawa perkara itu menjadi sebahagian daripada diri mereka. Bukan nak cakap salah, tapi tolonglah jangan cuba perjuangkan sesuatu yang sudah terang-terangan tidak mampu atau tidak ingin dijayakan. Bagi aku, itu bohong belaka.

Jujur aku cakap, aku belum nampak lagi terlaksananya apa yang mereka cuba maksudkan semenjak dahulu. Kalau orang itu pandai "menarik minat", maka orang itu mempunyai kelebihan yang sangat besar. Lain pula ceritanya bagi mereka yang tidak tahu selok-belok "menampakkan diri sebagai seseorang yang disenangi" ini. Agak malang bagi kohort ini, kerana realitinya mereka kurang mendapat pandangan yang baik daripada masyarakat sekeliling.

Bagaimana sebenarnya istilah yang mengandungi 8 huruf dan dua patah perkataan itu didefinisikan? Bagaimana pula seseorang itu dinilai berdasarkan istilah itu? Aku tidak nampak cara yang benar-benar adil dalam perlaksanaannya. Andai mereka mendakwa bahawa istilah itu merupakan sesuatu yang dilakukan ketika berseorangan, bagaimana mereka mampu menilainya sedangkan sekiranya mereka melakukan penilaian, pastilah orang itu tidak berseorangan. Mustahil bagi mereka untuk "mengintip" orang bagi memastikan bahawa tindakan orang itu adalah dari dalam dirinya sendiri dan bukannya disebabkan pengaruh luar.

Dia bukanlah orang yang handal dalam hal-hal sebegini. Sebab itu sering aku lihat orang melontarkan persepsi buruk terhadapnya. Mungkin bukan salah mereka. Mungkin benarlah persepsi-persepsi orang sekeliling meskipun baru pada perjumpaan kali pertama. 

Apa boleh buat. Setiap manusia dilahirkan dengan hati dan perasaan, dan kedua-duanya itulah yang menjadi pemangkin kepada sifat di mana satu belah ke atas dan yang sebelah lagi ke bawah. Usah risau, aku pun memiliki juga sifat itu. Apa yang aku cuba ketengahkan ialah, walaupun kita cuba sedaya upaya untuk menjauhinya, sifat itu tetap wujud jua.

Usah dinafikan.

(Maaf, kata-kata aku agak abstrak)

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Ini bukan kali pertama aku meluahkan impian-impian aku pada sekeping kertas, tapi entah mengapa, aktiviti awal pagi tadi membuatkan aku berfikir. Bertafakur seketika. Tatkala lenguh pada bahu itu semakin mencengkam, aku tenung juga kertas yang telah dicontengi dengan cita-cita yang kononnya ingin kukecapi suatu hari nanti. Bukan mudah, tapi tidak mustahil. Yang penting ialah niat dan usaha, kerana Allah tidak memandang pada hasil.

Aku berfikir, rupa-rupanya aku juga punya matlamat, sedangkan selama ini pada aku, aku seperti seseorang yang masih meraba-raba mencari hala tuju kehidupan. Dan aku pasti, setiap apa yang aku angankan hari ini akan menjadi kenyataan suatu hari kelak, insyaAllah. Hampir aku menitiskan air mata kerana diriku terlalu mudah menangis, tetapi aku memilih untuk tidak memerahkan mataku. Sebab itulah aku tidak ingin terlalu menghayati tulisan pada kertas itu, kerana aku tahu tentu aku tidak mampu menahan sebak. Tapi jangan risau. Aku tetap dapat mesej yang cuba anda sampaikan.

Yang aku memang dah sangkakan ialah 4 daripada 4 kertas yang aku lihat tertulis "get married" padanya (atau yang seangkatan dengannya). Memang, itu wajib diimpikan :)

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Belajarlah menerima pendapat orang lain, kerana elemen itu menjadi cebisan kehidupan yang sangat penting terutamanya setelah melangkah ke arena kedewasaan kelak. Sekalipun kita tidak bersetuju dengan mereka, usah terus bangkang bak perdebatan ala parlimen. Lebih baik diamkan ketidakpersetujuan itu. Sebaliknya, nyatakanlah bahawa kita memiliki pendapat yang berbeza. Bandingkan dua perbualan tersebut:

Ali : Aku rasa kita patut makan nasi sekurang-kurangnya dua kali sehari

Abu : Eh, tak tak tak... Bukan... Kita perlu 3 pinggan nasi tau.

Ali : Aku rasa kita patut makan nasi sekurang-kurangnya dua kali sehari

Abu : Oh. Pada pendapat aku pula, remaja seperti kita memerlukan 3 pinggan nasi sehari.

Nampak tak bahawasanya perbualan #2 membolehkan kedua-dua pihak berasa selesa dengan pendapat masing-masing? Memanglah ayat di atas agak formal, tetapi fahamkan apa yang cuba disampaikan. Renung-renungkanlah. Peringatan untuk diri yang sering alpa.

Ini Masanya Aku Bangun

Telah tiba masanya aku bangun
Dari tidur yang tak pernah lena
Sedar
Dari mimpi yang hanya ilusi semata-mata
Kerana ini kehidupan
Bukan khayalan
Bukan pula angan-angan
Bahkan realiti yang benar lagi menggerunkan

Buat apa aku mengejar sesuatu yang belum tentu kumiliki
Dan terjatuh, tersungkur terpijak tali kasut sendiri
Lebih baik aku meluru ke arah perkara yang kuimpi
Kuatkan iman, tabahkan hati
Berpegang teguhlah pada apa yang Allah janji
Sesungguhnya Dialah yang Maha Mengetahui

Jalan, jika tidak dihiasi dengan halangan
Pasti jalan itu sangat membosankan
Oleh itu aku perlu siaga
Menghadapi apa yang di hadapan mata
Mahupun perkara yang terselindung di sebalik nyata
Kerana hakikatnya aku manusia biasa

Aku tahu aku dahagakan kejayaan
Menjadi muslimah yang menabur bakti di bumi Ilahi
Haruslah aku mengorak langkah, mengatur strategi
Tidaklah aku mensia-siakan hidup ini
Suatu hari kelak aku pasti pergi
Maka, inginkah aku menyesal di kemudian hari?

Sedarlah wahai diri
Kalau bukan sekarang, bila lagi?

The Brother I Always Had

~This is a short story~

The river is flowing smoothly, reflecting the rays of sunlight into several different directions. My mother told me lots of stories about rivers, most of them related to how dependent the human were on this particular source of water. But that was a long time ago. Now, the river has changed. In terms of appearance and usage.

I hear ruffling of dried leaves. Without even turning around, I spoke, "Nice day isn't it?"

A person slowly produces to my left; my elder brother. He carefully takes his seat right next to me, staring off into space just like me. We don't usually spend our holidays together because of the different systems that our academic institutions use, but when we do, we spend most of it admiring the outdoors.

"What brings you here?" my brother has a gift of answering questions with questions, something that we do not have in common.

"I was just thinking of getting my mind off things,"

"Sounds like you're having a really hard time in school," he focuses his eyes on me without turning his head in my direction. I've been telling him stories of my school life, but it suddenly occurs to me that I have never even mentioned anything about the hardships I face.

"How do you do it brother?" I ask, picking the dried leaves one by one and tearing them into pieces. He gives me a puzzled look. I let out a long, painful sigh.

"How do you go on with life? How do you know exactly what to do and how to do them and why you're doing them? How do you.... decide?" I burst into a jumble of questions that has been bugging my head long before my brother arrived.

From the corner of my eye I could see a smile on his face. He always has that smile. The smile that tells its observer that everything is okay. The smile that reminds me of happiness. The smile that I wish to be able to put on my face for a change.

Despite the questions that I have just thrown at him, he answers all of them with just one simple answer. "Trust".

Well that sure helped. He ruffles my hair the way he does when I was 5 and he was 7. We were so young then, so happy and so ignorant of anything and everything except ourselves.

"Now tell me," my brother continues after realizing the silence that has filled the air due to my inability to respond to his previous answer. "What is it that you want to talk to me about?"

"Brother, when you are asked to make a decision that will leave a massive impact on your future, what do you do?"

"Istikharah," he nods towards the horizon "Seek guidance from Allah, because it is He who knows best."

"Okay. So all my life I have always wanted to be a doctor. No matter what happens. My eyes are only on becoming a medical student somewhere in the UK and obtaining a medical degree and serving the people of the country." since I'm am very bad at choosing the right words, I decided to be straightforward.

"Go on."

"But as I grow up, I begin to learn that there are tonnes of job opportunities out there that might somewhat be right for me. And..."

"So you're saying that you're no longer interested in becoming a doctor?"

"No... That's my problem exactly. I just don't know what to do any more. I envy those who have vision, who have mental images of the future so vivid it even seems real to me. I want to be just like them, brother. I want to know my path and where I'm going to go using that path."

I could see him taking in the varied emotions on my face, trying to put the best words together to form a phrase that'll hopefully be the perfect solution for me. Seeing that he doesn't seem to be able to come up with anything, I resumed, "I don't even know what I'm interested in. I love math. You know how I used to solve mathematical problems just for fun, but none of the jobs in this particular field interests me. I mean, to work with numbers all day? I'd be pulling out the white flag already. I claim that I am interested in Biology, but the fact that I could score better in Physics and Chemistry makes me wary of my choice. What if I don't make it? In Biology I mean. But neither Physics nor Chemistry brings me the excitement the way Biology does."

I pick up a stone and throw it to the river. It hops, once, twice, then sinks in the river with a plop. I turn to face my brother who has been listening very patiently to what I had been saying. He's often the most patient in the family, the exact opposite of me.

I add, "Through my observations I could see two types of people. One are those who are willing to do anything to achieve what they want. Goal-oriented. They expect high, work hard and achieve higher. They... have what it takes, because they are raised in that manner. Their parents taught them to be self-critical and determined and they grew up to be that way. The other, however, live in the most modest manner they could manage. They're more inclined to go with the flow and accept anything that comes their way. They're more relaxed," as I finished the sentence, I look at my brother again, waiting for his response after he has kept quiet for so long - too long for my liking. He is always the one who talks. I'm the listener. But it's nice to have a change once in a while.

"Well, which one of these do you think you belong to?" he questions me further.

"I don't know, brother. Sometimes I think of myself as the former group, because I had always been the type who aims high. I work hard. I am hardworking, which would probably eventually lead me into becoming workaholic in my career. But... when I moved to this institution, I began to rethink. I began having doubts about my aim, my future, my goal, my life principles. Everything. I wish to lead a simple life, but at the same time I can't get rid of this urge to work hard and grab opportunities. It's in my genes, brother. I can't get rid of it. But being just hardworking would not help if I have no skill in taking advantage of things, which apparently is exactly what I lack. I can't even sound convincing. Some people, however, are a natural,"

It was a long speech, but I stop when I heard my brother breathing in hard, like he finally has something to say.

"Sister, I know it'll be very difficult to see others who are better or are more successful. It doesn't make you green with envy; it makes you feel down, like you don't belong or you don't deserve anything. I know you, sister. But be reminded that Allah the Almighty has planned your life and my life - our lives - as perfectly as anyone could ever wish for. Don't you think, that if you were to question the 'why can't I be like them', that you would actually question what Allah has bestowed upon you?" he chuckles, grabbing another stone and tossing it into the river. "Syukur is key, sister. It makes something so small look so big and so fulfilling."

"Above all, dear sister, is that you never lose hope. Allah is always by your side. Okay, now I sound like a song lyric, but who cares," my brother has always been a fan of Maher Zain. "Life is nothing without trials, and maybe all of the uncertainties that you are facing is merely a trial from Allah, knowing that you are strong enough to go through it." he gives me a reassuring pat on the back. 

"Speaking of which..." he says as he shoves his right hand in his jeans pocket, "... here's a dua that'll be of great help to you, InsyaAllah." and he hands me over a piece of paper containing a few dua's written in Arabic.

"Thanks brother. I do feel a bit relieved now that I have someone to talk to," it's true because I did not notice the weight on my back until it was gone. My brother's answers, though they did not answer my questions directly, give me hope. He cannot make the decisions for me, but his advice is enough for me to be ready to face the future. I know what I must do next.

Ten minutes pass as we get lost in our own thoughts, appreciating the breeze tickling our cheeks. The sun is almost high above our head, but I do not even feel any heat on my skin. Apparently the weather is nice today. More minutes pass, until my brother breaks the silence.

"Hey sis, have any boyfriends yet?" I immediately feel like wrestling my brother to the ground, but all I can do is flinch upon hearing the word boyfriend. 

"I'm seventeen, brother!" I reply, punching his arm so hard that I think I hear a faint "ouch" coming from his mouth. I am surprised as well as embarrassed by the question. He knows how much I hate talking about boys to him. In fact, I never even told him about any.

"Hmm... What does it mean when you say that you're seventeen?" he smiles a crooked smile, a reminder of why I refuse to discuss this topic with him.

"That I'm still too young for boyfriend stuff, duh!" I answer, clearly irritated while my brother seems to be enjoying it. "Oh and by the way, I don't even want to have a boyfriend."

I don't know how, but I somehow get the feeling that my brother is worried that I might find a guy of whom I really like (my brother is somewhat the protective type). But at the same time, he is also worried that I might not. Maybe he doubts my skill in searching for the perfect person for a life partner, and I don't blame him because even I doubt myself. But that's a whole different story.

My brother looks pleased by my reaction. He gets up, brushes some dried leaves from his jeans, and offers me his hands. "C'mon sis. Let's go home"

So away from the river we stroll, hand in hand. Just like old times.

I just want to spend every possible minute of the rest of my life with you

-Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire