Kontradiksi

Sekarang nie aku takut pada dua perkara

1. Aku akan dapat boyfriend (which is very unlikely but no possibilities shall be ruled out no matter how absurd it may seem)

2. Aku takkan dapat boyfriend (which is apparently a scary thought)

And I'm like, aku merepek apa kat sini nie. Actually this thought invaded my innocent mind several days before I leave Malaysia and I don't know how it's even there. Kenapa aku takut aku akan dapat boyfriend? Simple. Sebab aku tak pernah ada boyfriend selama ini. I have 17 years of experience of being single and watching people being not single. So I'm more of a spectator rather than a participant. Now, reality scares me (as quoted from Fatihah's blog). I'd be seeing more and more of these species. And what if I become one of them? I don't know how it could be possible especially for someone like me, but I've seen enough decent people who ended up in a relationship that pretty much turned their lives topsy turvy. Not to blame them. Just to point out the fact that you can never be too sure that you will remain as good as a person as you always have been.

As for the second one, yes, aku takut aku takkan dapat boyfriend. Kenapa? Sebab I thought of college life and I thought about having company that'll make my college life meaningful and unforgettable. Just yesterday morning a senior mentioned that life in UIUC would be great if you can make friends, because here, there are no attractions nearby that we can actually visit. Sounds a lot like PERMATA actually. I mean, PERMATA is in the middle of nowhere and we only have ourselves as company. Making friends makes life less painful in PERMATA.

So obviously the senior mentioned "friend", not "boyfriend". Duh. But again I can't stop thinking how it would be like with and without one. To be frank, back in school I used to have really close guy friends. Ones whom I can joke around and hang out with. And girl friends all around me. But of course college life is way different. I'd be loner without a boyfriend. LOL. This is shit talking. A boyfriend can drive me places, buy me food, give me (free) rides, and be there when I need him. At the end of college year, I shall dump him, because obviously he is of no use to me any more. I am a bad, bad person.

Come to think of it, one should never get too attached to another human being. Why? Because we're only temporary. We should never totally depend on a human because we never know what might happen tomorrow or the next day or the next day. Attach to Allah and you'll find your life complete. Maybe that's the whole point. The point of never having a boyfriend. So we don't lean on them and find out one day that they just poof away, leaving us stumble down with a pain in the ass. 

I don't intend in getting a boyfriend (or having a crush on anyone for that matter). I come here for the experience and knowledge. But those two fears up there will continue to linger in my head until I find a community that I truly trust here. In the meantime, I shall continue to adapt and InsyaAllah, with the help from Allah, I will survive.

That is all for now.

Cheers