Kali Pertama

i.

I was walking down the aisle in the library (UIUC UGL at that), looking at the books and at the same time thinking about how Malay dramas picture two college students have eye contact when they were in a situation similar to one that I was currently in. I was waiting for that moment to happen to me - a (cute) guy would be on the other side of the bookshelf, searching for books but found me instead. But guess what? It didn't! There wasn't a single soul down the aisle apart from me.

And as I sat down at one of the empty tables in the library, I awaited with patience for a guy to just approach me saying, "Hey, can I sit here?". Then we would start getting to know each other and he would start having a crush on me and he would buy me things, drive me places, give me free rides, do anything I ask him to do and in the end I shall dump him (this has been explained in my previous post, Kontradiksi). This library-is-where-I-met-that-special-someone situation has been shown in numerous dramas. Surely they must be true right? Wrong! I sat there for five whole minutes and still no sign of any cute guys wanting to sit with me. :(

So I made a drastic conclusion: Dramas are the biggest liars of all time. Period. That's why I gave up on dramas since the beginning of time. They simply give you false hopes, like the one I had while standing between two huge bookcases. Fictions give you false hopes too. Well, everything in this worldly life gives you false hopes. Hooray for that.

This thing is too cute :3

ii.

Just yesterday I was attending the Speech Team info night, wondering what the hell I was doing there. I mean, I am in no circumstances interested in such a competitive activity. So why the heck did I sign up for something that I know I won't want to get involved in? This ultimately brings me back to something someone said during the MSA (Muslim Students Association) girls meeting:

"Try something new. I never liked tomatoes. Someone made me ate it and now I kinda like it a bit."

Try something new. Speech Team? Nah.. I'm still not interested. I did try to eat steamed/boiled Brussels Sprout and it turned out to be disgusting. And I used to wonder how real strawberries and blackberries and raspberries tasted like. I didn't like them. I prefer grapes. I danced. No, not real dancing. There was one night when our RA invited us to play Wii. I always wanted to play Wii. I thought we would be playing football or something. But no. We danced. And I kinda liked it a bit.

Another thing I would like to highlight is that during the orientation, the Dean promised all of us students that we would not be the same person as we are now when we graduate from UIUC. I wanna see that one come into play. Probably I'll go around dressed up as a chicken or something. That's something different right? Well, on a more serious note, I am hoping to change for the better. People change, so let's make that change beneficial for us and for those around us.

iii.

I was got on the bus to go back to my dorms. There was an empty seat next to me. Upon realising that, a guy whom I don't know just came by, sat on the empty seat, held out his hand and introduced himself to me. I was surprised to say the least, but I immediately apologized, saying I can't shake hands with him. He seemed cool with it. He was being really friendly, and I am not very comfortable with guys who are "too friendly". We had a small chat about the usual: what's your major? where do you live? etc. Then there was silence. Like, dead silence. Awkward silence. So awkward that I wish things would have turned out differently; I could've gotten on another bus, I could've just stood in the bus, I could've just chose to walk. But the thing is, I didn't! And now I'm stuck in this dimension of awkwardness, if that even exists. By the time I got off the bus, he said "Bye" to which I reciprocated with the same word.

That was one of the most embarrassing moments in my life.

iv.

Anywho, it's Jumuah and almost two whole weeks of me in the United States and one whole week of being a college student (see the word I used there? "college"). Miraculously things have gotten well enough for me (Alhamdulillah). PERMATA seniors love to mention how their experience in PERMATA has aided them in life in university, and I would like to agree upon that. You see, back in PERMATA there was all this pressure of getting assignments and other stuff done. Be it volunteer work, research, making a model of a stadium, and now I am more than grateful with what I have gone through in PERMATA

I happen to be enrolled in a compulsory English Rhetoric course. It was something about thesis writing. And the instructor said, "I guess all of you must've worked on a thesis at least once" and I thought about how lucky I am to have had the opportunity of writing a research paper previously. So I didn't feel that much left out when the others nodded to the instructor's statement. There are lots of other instances that I can set forth, but this insignificant little blog post could not contain such personal diaries of the author herself. (I do have a diary if you must know)

v.

I am looking forward to a great 4 years of college life. As for others who might be reading this: pursue your dreams. You'll get to where Allah wants you to be. InsyaAllah.

Just another quick note: A lot of people said that my name, Aini, is a pretty name. Kbye

Kontradiksi

Sekarang nie aku takut pada dua perkara

1. Aku akan dapat boyfriend (which is very unlikely but no possibilities shall be ruled out no matter how absurd it may seem)

2. Aku takkan dapat boyfriend (which is apparently a scary thought)

And I'm like, aku merepek apa kat sini nie. Actually this thought invaded my innocent mind several days before I leave Malaysia and I don't know how it's even there. Kenapa aku takut aku akan dapat boyfriend? Simple. Sebab aku tak pernah ada boyfriend selama ini. I have 17 years of experience of being single and watching people being not single. So I'm more of a spectator rather than a participant. Now, reality scares me (as quoted from Fatihah's blog). I'd be seeing more and more of these species. And what if I become one of them? I don't know how it could be possible especially for someone like me, but I've seen enough decent people who ended up in a relationship that pretty much turned their lives topsy turvy. Not to blame them. Just to point out the fact that you can never be too sure that you will remain as good as a person as you always have been.

As for the second one, yes, aku takut aku takkan dapat boyfriend. Kenapa? Sebab I thought of college life and I thought about having company that'll make my college life meaningful and unforgettable. Just yesterday morning a senior mentioned that life in UIUC would be great if you can make friends, because here, there are no attractions nearby that we can actually visit. Sounds a lot like PERMATA actually. I mean, PERMATA is in the middle of nowhere and we only have ourselves as company. Making friends makes life less painful in PERMATA.

So obviously the senior mentioned "friend", not "boyfriend". Duh. But again I can't stop thinking how it would be like with and without one. To be frank, back in school I used to have really close guy friends. Ones whom I can joke around and hang out with. And girl friends all around me. But of course college life is way different. I'd be loner without a boyfriend. LOL. This is shit talking. A boyfriend can drive me places, buy me food, give me (free) rides, and be there when I need him. At the end of college year, I shall dump him, because obviously he is of no use to me any more. I am a bad, bad person.

Come to think of it, one should never get too attached to another human being. Why? Because we're only temporary. We should never totally depend on a human because we never know what might happen tomorrow or the next day or the next day. Attach to Allah and you'll find your life complete. Maybe that's the whole point. The point of never having a boyfriend. So we don't lean on them and find out one day that they just poof away, leaving us stumble down with a pain in the ass. 

I don't intend in getting a boyfriend (or having a crush on anyone for that matter). I come here for the experience and knowledge. But those two fears up there will continue to linger in my head until I find a community that I truly trust here. In the meantime, I shall continue to adapt and InsyaAllah, with the help from Allah, I will survive.

That is all for now.

Cheers

Story of A Girl In PERMATApintar

Telan air liur

Takut

Kenapa?

Tak tahu apa nak tulis untuk entry kali ini. 

Dah banyak draf yang dibiarkan tidak di-publish. 

Rasa macam tidak sesuai untuk tontonan umum. 

Bosan dan membosankan.

Tahan kuap

Maaf. Si penulis telah melalui terlalu banyak dalam tempoh masa yang terlalu singkat. Buntu. Mungkin si penulis masih mencari-cari ilham atau inspirasi untuk menulis. Buku To Kill A Mockingbird pun penulis belum sempat khatamkan. Tapi pada fikiran penulis, dia harus menghidangkan sebuah kisah bagi para pembaca sebelum dia.... Sebelum dia berangkat meninggalkan bumi Malaysia tercinta.

*****

So this is a story. A story of an average girl who was offered a place in Program Pendidikan PERMATApintar Negara. She pondered and thought until she decided to accept the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that was staring down at her eagerly waiting to be grabbed. That's when her journey began. A journey into the unknown because if she were honest with herself, she would have said that she has absolutely no clue as to what was going to happen to her next.

In this world of unknown, she met weird people whom she would stick around for the rest of her 2-year life there. They consisted of 15 queer, uncanny human beings. She felt awkward to be in the same room with such people, but she tried her best to be a good member of the group anyway. 

Back in the dorms she met her roommate. Her roommate was really nice to her, and thanks to her experience living in a hostel, she has helped her a lot in settling down in the new environment. Oh my, if it weren't for her roommate, she wouldn't even know how to put on her clothes properly! So she was greatly thankful about that.

After a few days, she discovered that there were more students who were of the same age as her. "Spirit batch", they chanted; a word very unfamiliar to her ears (again thanks to her roommate who explained the term to her in detail). So she found out she had batchmates: those who were apparently enduring the same journey as hers.

She thought that the number of people stopped there, but she was wrong. It turns out there are those older than her and her batchmates. They are called the seniors. They are one step ahead as they have survived one year of the journey in PERMATApintar.

Just when she thought that things are starting to make sense, she was greeted one day with news that she was offered the Fast Track program. She was shocked. Bewildered by such a mind-blowing fact.

"This is just an offer. You can always deny that offer," they used to say to her. But what was she to do? At the point of her life when everything was just a mess and the only thing that she's good at in decision-making is being indecisive? Finally she decided that she should "just go along with this program" and "see what happens".

Days turn into weeks which turn into months which turn into a year. She became closer to her classmates, and them to her. She knows their favourite food, their childhood fear (sorta), their last night's meal, some of their secrets and even the clothes that they wear. There are events where the whole class had a misunderstanding, but there was nothing too big for them to forgive and forget. She did lots of wacky things with them. She stayed up all night with them just to finish off a model of a stadium. She ventured the whole school compound in search of a good shooting spot. She even sacrificed her weekends to make sure that every group-work was done. And they all did the same. Before long, their bonds became stronger and their relationship became truer.

Apart from classmates and classes, she enjoyed her life in school as well. She was elected as a Multimedia Exco of MPP by the way. That was when she learnt about leadership and sacrifice. About responsibility and trust. She finally realised that though she was elected, she still had a lot to learn from her fellow colleagues. About values that one should own in order to be a good leader. She never knew (or thought) about it herself until she herself was involved in such a committee. 

Other than that, she also joined the softball team (by chance in the first place). After she thought about it, she came to a conclusion that it was destined for her to be in such an elite sports team. She was never good in sports. Never was involved in any, so she has zero experience in the field. But she tried her best anyway. She still was not able to become the best of players, but she knew that she has gained something that is way more valuable than the skills themselves. It is to be confident and to do the best no matter how bad we are at something.

There were also Hari Sukan, gotong-royong, explorace, sambutan perayaan and other events that she took part in. Those were what made her life more colourful and meaningful.

But then there is the fact that life is not a bed of roses. She still has the Fast Track to think about. What with the taking 3 exams in one go apart from other responsibilities, she sometimes wished she had more hours per day. But she knew that that was nowhere near possible.

And then there's the interview. Dang it, she says. She knew that speaking has always been her weakest point. She was unable to find out why words and sentences seem all jumbled-up in her brain. Sometimes it sounded right the first time she thought about it, but as soon as she spits them out, they sound unorganized and crappy. If only there were a means of communication through telepathy, the interview would have been less painful. But there isn't, so she has to accept her weakness and find a way to overcome it. She thought about taking speaking classes in the future for her own benefit.

Thankfully she was offered a scholarship after all. She prepared for her university admission, got her documents ready and was ready to set sail (not really on a ship but set sail sounds so cool). Only one thing left for her to bear: separation. Her batchmates made so many attempts in capturing the last piece of memories with those who were about to leave. Yet, due to her ever-so-busy self, she was unable to attend any of the planned mass gatherings. She was not around when the girls decided to wear the same colours. Twice! She was nowhere to be seen at the batch dinner. She was also absent on the last day before the holidays, when everyone was in the mood for taking pictures and bidding farewells. But then again she hates taking pictures, so she didn't mind any of those.

The night before the holidays began (she would not be around anymore after that), her class had a gathering. They ate pizzas, watched videos, talked about old times, laughed at inside jokes, wrote letters to each other, and tried their best to keep the mood joyous instead of gloomy. It was surely a moment that she will miss once she's out there all by herself. Who knew that some complete strangers would light up her world and become part of her family. No matter how confident they all are at keeping the ties tied, she knew that it would not be the same when distance becomes the barrier. She can only talk about things that has already happened while the others can continue discussing about things that are currently happening. Experience itself can never be converted into words. She appreciates the time spent with all 14 of them and is determined to seek them in the future when all of them have jobs and soul mates. She can't wait for that day to come.

PERMATApintar might not be a good place for someone to get a free ticket to success - such as getting good grades and university offers etc - but it certainly is the best place for someone who is planning to learn to be independent and take a trip into self-discovery. After that, success comes along. There might be certain opportunities that she has missed out on, but she never regretted having accepted the offer in the first place. She is confident that what matters most is how well she puts her chances to her advantage.

She wished that she could have more time to spend in PERMATApintar. Alas, it's just a few days before she would be transported to her next destination. She always thought that hey, just think of this as her being relocated to another school in a different state instead of a different country.

There are lots more things that she would want to chatter about, but it seems that this short story is already long enough.

Everyone has their own story and this... This is the story of a girl in PERMATApintar.

She's not in this picture

Or this

Or this

Some infinities are bigger than other infinities

― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

“Mockingbirds don’t do one thing but make music for us to enjoy. They don’t eat up people’s gardens, don’t nest in corncribs, they don’t do one thing but sing their hearts out for us. That’s why it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird.” 

― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird