That Familiar Face

So there's this one guy. I started to acknowledge his existence when I went to the window of my room one day and saw him walking towards the bus stop. I thought to myself, as I usually do whenever I saw a familiar face, "I've seen this guy somewhere. But where?".

It didn't matter to me back then, so I just let the thought wander off while I continue doing what I was doing (probably getting ready for class. I couldn't recall).

One day in CS lecture, while waiting for the lecture to begin, I, out of habit and the fact that I sit at the back-most of the room, looked around the hall and was astonished to see that guy sitting some rows in front of me. It's the bus stop guy, I immediately concluded. No wonder he looked familiar back then. We're in the same CS class! So that was it. I've gotten my answer. I've labelled him as the CS guy whom I saw outside my window one day and put the memory in the back of my head.

However, it seems that this was just the first piece of puzzle. In Chemistry lab, I saw the same face yet again! He's the guy who's stationed at the same row as me! Well, it's not that I've never seen him before. Rather, I've started to notice how similar he looks compared to the CS guy whom I saw outside my window one day. Strange. My neurons started furiously to dig up the memory that I've buried deep inside my brain. I couldn't really match the two faces, so I decided to wait until the next CS lecture to compare. In the meantime, I stored the Chem lab dude's face into my memory.

Instead of answering existing questions, I was bewildered my more questions that started popping up while none were answered. On the third MCB exam, I saw him yet again! We were taking the exam in the same room! It was weird how I never noticed him in the previous two MCB exams and only saw him today.

So wait a sec. He's in my CS lecture AND Chem lab AND MCB lecture? Is he even the same guy?? What are the odds of a person taking three of the same subjects? If he were an MCB major, why was he taking CS? wtf. Too many questions, so little clues.

Later that week, I was determined to examine him as closely as I can. in CS lecture, I made a mental note of all the small details: his bag, the shirt that he wears, his hair. I tried to match that to the guy I see in Chem lab. I still had no certainty that they were the same guy. They might have been twins right?

During the second to last week of Chem lab, I was determined to just confront him and ask if he was taking any CS courses. It's now or never. But being timid me, it took me a whole lot of internal mental battle to actually say something to him. So the lab went on for about half an hour without me having the courage to talk to him. Just when I was about to get some I2 solution at the back of the lab, I saw him there. I knelled down to pour the solution into my beaker when all of a sudden, he spoke first, "You're like in all my classes". I was stunned - actually my brain was stunned - which led me to the dumb response, "Oh really?"

Seriously? That was my best response? What the f are you thinking?
I went further on, "So you're in CS?".
Yes dumbass. Don't act as if you haven't already been watching him for the past few weeks!
I finally asked him what major he was. "Bioengineering", he said. So that explains why he's taking all this classes. And that was it. The conversation could've been better. But that was it.

Wow. I thought I was the only person who had been watching him. Turns out, he noticed me as well.

Now the semester has ended. We never talked ever since. I sort of wished some sort of friendship could actually grow from that conversation. I have yet had any guy friends here. Sigh.
I currently following the series "My Love from another star". There was a quote from there that I found really powerful but I forgot its exact words.
"If it was destined, wouldn't it be that we will meet again one day no matter what?"
That was lame. Don't remember the exact words.

And so ends my first year in college. Bittersweet moments. Three more years to go

Kali Pertama

i.

I was walking down the aisle in the library (UIUC UGL at that), looking at the books and at the same time thinking about how Malay dramas picture two college students have eye contact when they were in a situation similar to one that I was currently in. I was waiting for that moment to happen to me - a (cute) guy would be on the other side of the bookshelf, searching for books but found me instead. But guess what? It didn't! There wasn't a single soul down the aisle apart from me.

And as I sat down at one of the empty tables in the library, I awaited with patience for a guy to just approach me saying, "Hey, can I sit here?". Then we would start getting to know each other and he would start having a crush on me and he would buy me things, drive me places, give me free rides, do anything I ask him to do and in the end I shall dump him (this has been explained in my previous post, Kontradiksi). This library-is-where-I-met-that-special-someone situation has been shown in numerous dramas. Surely they must be true right? Wrong! I sat there for five whole minutes and still no sign of any cute guys wanting to sit with me. :(

So I made a drastic conclusion: Dramas are the biggest liars of all time. Period. That's why I gave up on dramas since the beginning of time. They simply give you false hopes, like the one I had while standing between two huge bookcases. Fictions give you false hopes too. Well, everything in this worldly life gives you false hopes. Hooray for that.

This thing is too cute :3

ii.

Just yesterday I was attending the Speech Team info night, wondering what the hell I was doing there. I mean, I am in no circumstances interested in such a competitive activity. So why the heck did I sign up for something that I know I won't want to get involved in? This ultimately brings me back to something someone said during the MSA (Muslim Students Association) girls meeting:

"Try something new. I never liked tomatoes. Someone made me ate it and now I kinda like it a bit."

Try something new. Speech Team? Nah.. I'm still not interested. I did try to eat steamed/boiled Brussels Sprout and it turned out to be disgusting. And I used to wonder how real strawberries and blackberries and raspberries tasted like. I didn't like them. I prefer grapes. I danced. No, not real dancing. There was one night when our RA invited us to play Wii. I always wanted to play Wii. I thought we would be playing football or something. But no. We danced. And I kinda liked it a bit.

Another thing I would like to highlight is that during the orientation, the Dean promised all of us students that we would not be the same person as we are now when we graduate from UIUC. I wanna see that one come into play. Probably I'll go around dressed up as a chicken or something. That's something different right? Well, on a more serious note, I am hoping to change for the better. People change, so let's make that change beneficial for us and for those around us.

iii.

I was got on the bus to go back to my dorms. There was an empty seat next to me. Upon realising that, a guy whom I don't know just came by, sat on the empty seat, held out his hand and introduced himself to me. I was surprised to say the least, but I immediately apologized, saying I can't shake hands with him. He seemed cool with it. He was being really friendly, and I am not very comfortable with guys who are "too friendly". We had a small chat about the usual: what's your major? where do you live? etc. Then there was silence. Like, dead silence. Awkward silence. So awkward that I wish things would have turned out differently; I could've gotten on another bus, I could've just stood in the bus, I could've just chose to walk. But the thing is, I didn't! And now I'm stuck in this dimension of awkwardness, if that even exists. By the time I got off the bus, he said "Bye" to which I reciprocated with the same word.

That was one of the most embarrassing moments in my life.

iv.

Anywho, it's Jumuah and almost two whole weeks of me in the United States and one whole week of being a college student (see the word I used there? "college"). Miraculously things have gotten well enough for me (Alhamdulillah). PERMATA seniors love to mention how their experience in PERMATA has aided them in life in university, and I would like to agree upon that. You see, back in PERMATA there was all this pressure of getting assignments and other stuff done. Be it volunteer work, research, making a model of a stadium, and now I am more than grateful with what I have gone through in PERMATA

I happen to be enrolled in a compulsory English Rhetoric course. It was something about thesis writing. And the instructor said, "I guess all of you must've worked on a thesis at least once" and I thought about how lucky I am to have had the opportunity of writing a research paper previously. So I didn't feel that much left out when the others nodded to the instructor's statement. There are lots of other instances that I can set forth, but this insignificant little blog post could not contain such personal diaries of the author herself. (I do have a diary if you must know)

v.

I am looking forward to a great 4 years of college life. As for others who might be reading this: pursue your dreams. You'll get to where Allah wants you to be. InsyaAllah.

Just another quick note: A lot of people said that my name, Aini, is a pretty name. Kbye

Halfway Through the Hols

Back when I was so overwhelmed by endless school work that I had so little time to even stop and think, I anticipated the holidays because I thought it would be a great getaway for me. I would finally have more time for updating this blog and do what I've always been doing back when I was in daily school, or so I thought. After less than a week left of the hols, I finally figured that for one thing, the happenings in school were what inspired me to write, and without that motivation, even with plenty of time in my hands, I still won't be able to update my blog. Well, this entry today is just for the sake of updating. Nothing interesting to share, but since it's still holidays, let me tell you how I spent it with. (boo! that's lame! *throws tomatoes*)

In the very beginning of the holidays, the research report submission deadline haunted me for several nights. No, they did not appear in the form of ghosts. Rather, it's the fact that I have to read on p values (what the heck is that thing) and learn how to use the SPSS system (aku menyesal tak ikut bengkel SPSS T_T) all on my own. Horrifying. It was the sole cause of my headache which lasted for until (now don't be a grammar nazi) I submitted the final report. Phew. I read and reread and rereread the whole report until I was ultimately satisfied with it. And along the way, I found out the benefits of doing research (kenapa kau macam nerd sangat nie hah?). Let me list that down for ya (ok, memang sah kau dah jadi nerd weh)

• Experience (bukan semua orang dapat peluang baca record pesakit weh!)
• Knowledge (sebelum nie perkataan intracerebral haemorrhage tu aku tak pernah dengar pun. masa mentor aku explain, aku main angguk-angguk tak geleng-geleng aja. sekarang nie, perghhh.. dan boleh buat karangan pasal benda tuh. hebat tak aku?)
• Practice (nanti tak lah aku terkial-kial buat tesis tebal nak mampus kat univesiti)

I could spend more time listing them all down, but that sounds a bit too boring ey? So let's move on.

That one night, I received a text message saying "Nuraini O:-)" from an unknown number (technically hampir semua number kat fon aku tu unknown, because I don't save people's phone numbers! but this particular one I've never seen :P). "kau rasa siapa nie?" the anon asked further. My instincts deep down in my gut says that it's Aida, my best friend from SMKTTF. Turns out I was right! Man, I never knew I had such powerful gut instincts. I should listen to it more often. Lol. Oh, and I knew it was a friend back is Sabah because almost all of them refer to me as "Nuraini".

A few days later I received another anon text message, this time from Nazareen, also a friend from SMKTTF (which of course was foreseen and foretold by my gut instincts). She called me and we talked for like 20 minutes. I know I haven't been speaking Sabahan for a very long time, so long that I don't sound like the old me anymore. Sobs. A few minutes later, Aida called. We caught up on old times.

"Si anu couple sudah sama si anu"

"Dia suka sama si anu bha"

"Diorang dua rapat nie..."

 It's quite a surprise how much things have shifted since I left that place not too long ago. Well, I guess time is just doing its job, separating the past from the present, the present from the future, and me from the life I used to live back then. And dude, my Sabahan sounds so rusty that I am totally embarrassed by it! I mean, who says "weyh" in Sabah? Lol. Facepalm.

Ever since the holidays, I have lost my immunity/kekebalan towards alarms. Yup. It was so difficult for anything to wake me up back in QuadP that I could easily sleep through 3 alarms. I'm halfway through finishing Allegiant, the third and final book of the Divergent trilogy. I have actually just started on the Kerja Kursus Add Math. Opened up the laptop to google for answers (don't get me wrong. I'm not cheating. I'm just checking to see whether my answers are correct, that's all). And then I decided to see how my blog is going and...... Ohhhh.. So that's how I got here... *memandang sekeliling meja* *kertas add math masih berterabur*

You know what, I should get going. Just hoping that my minor symptoms of ADHD won't get in the way of me finishing the kerja kursus. Again.

#002

He smiled. It might have been my mere imagination, or it might have not been, but what I did see that he wasn't frowning. Nor was his demeanour anywhere near expressionless. So was he smiling? It seemed so weird a gesture. A smile had never been so out of place except on his face. Jarang dia baik macam tu kat aku. Well, not saying he's mean. Just pointing out the fact that, well, it's the first time I ever saw him do that. Nampak ikhlas, tapi mungkin judgement aku salah. Biarlah.

****

Kenapa aku nie pemalu sangat weyh?

Kau pemalu ka? Setahu aku kau la orang yang paling tak tau malu.

Ah.. Kenapa mesti aku rasa malu. Malu sangat. Susah nak berkomunikasi dengan manusia. Sebab malu.

*****

Berhenti merungut. Terlalu banyak yang kau perlu syukuri untuk kau luahkan ketidakpuasan hati kau hanya disebabkan sesuatu yang sekecil biji sawi.

Diari #001 (it's about time I label posts like these as a diary so you guys won't be so stunned reading my inner thoughts)

Just finished my very first fixi novel - KELABU. Very interesting story, I must say. Cara si penulis mengembangkan watak Amir itu berjaya menahan aku daripada meletakkan buku itu selagi aku belum habis membacanya. I like books yang menyebabkan aku menepuk dahi secara spontan, ketawa sorang2 macam orang putus wayar, hentak dinding macam orang putus cinta, dan menangis macam orang tengah potong bawang. Yup. Books make me do all those ridiculous (and probably embarrassing) acts in public. Makes me wonder how a person could have such a good sense of sarcasm and humour.

*****

#Pergi

Tak kesah pun kalau takda gambar aku langsung. (Well, at least I see my face in the group photo). Seriously, I dislike taking pictures especially if it involves me being the only object on camera. But tipu la kalau aku cakap aku tak terasa walaupun sedikit. Felt a bit..how to put it...left out? Hakikatnya semua manusia itu ada perasaan, though some choose to ignore seeing or feeling the emotions in some people.

(Terlalu public kah tempat ini untuk aku coretkan isi hati? erk) (kata-kata ini bukan ditujukan kepada mana-mana pihak, so please jangan terasa. aku tau betapa rare dan limited editionnya gambar aku. biasalah, naluri artis dalam diri aku ini mengakibatkan aku secara reflex akan mengelak orang nak ambik gambar aku. eh, bukan naluri artis nie suka ambik gambar ka? apa2 ja la)

*****

Perpishan

My absence may or may not bring any significance, though I hope that either way it'll turn out to be something positive. Yang aku tengah fikir, aku di situ, dan orang tu di sana. Hmm.. orang mana yang aku maksudkan? Aku pun tak tau

*****

Sometimes I think I'm being too hard on myself. I should take it easy. Dump all your negative thoughts dude. You're not gonna be happy if you keep thinking that you're this useless girl nobody wants. (bunyi macam kasar ja. but this is a monologue, so tak kasar pun sebenarnya. heh)

*****

Semenjak dua tiga menjak nie too many thoughts come pouring out of my brain especially time tengah mandi (tapi aku tak bazir air okeh) Tapi aku rasa this is not the right time for me to disclose it somewhere so public. Biarlah terapung dalam lautan fikiran aku. Tapi kalau tunggu for the right moment, mesti dah basi dah by then. You know, good thoughts only come out once, and even if you try to construct the exact same words an hour later, it won't be as powerful as the first one. At least, that's how it works for me. 

Wahai Diri

The saddest part is when the people around you try to console you and tell you that things are going to be better.

The most painful part is knowing that the people around you are trying their hardest to understand you despite the fact that they're not even experiencing it first-hand.

The worst part is knowing that people care.

Well, things don't always go the way want them to. To see the rainbow you have to put up with the rain, huh? Sometimes you win and sometimes you don't. That's life. And along the way you learn, and in the end, you'll find out that you really did win, only in a totally different way.

Life is a bed of roses with thorns to hurt you and little bugs to make you feel uncomfortable. I'm currently having myself locked up in my room by the way, because I've decided that human interaction would make me feel ten times worse. Need a time out actually. And in this moments of solace, I've found that...

It's not so bad though, to fail

Because at least you get to taste failure

At least you realise that you're not that little miss perfect you always thought you were (reality check, people)

At least you don't get lost in your own castle-in-the-air

At least you wouldn't forget how it feels when you first started off

At least later, when you reach success, you won't be the bitch that you've always hated during your failure

At least you know that you have someone to turn up to

At least you know that Allah loves you

Dude, last time I remembered, you told me you wanted "what's best for you", isn't that right? So just think of this as some kind of path that'll lead you to that thing that's best for you eventually. Doesn't sound so bad now does it?

Gah!. Why does it feel so hard to accept your own advice. Jari-jemari saja yang rancak menari mengikut rentak yang diisyaratkan oleh otak. Hati? Susah pula nak mengikut irama yang dimainkan oleh gabungan duet antara fikiran dan anggota badan. Biasalah, I'm only human mah. Terkadang rasa aku nie cakap tak serupa bikin ja. Ayat bukan main lagi mengajak itu dan ini, tapi untuk diri aku menerima dan mengaplikasikannya, agak sukar.

Geleng kepala.

"Crush" dari Seberang

Him: *places a bingo word with a blank tile on the board*
Me: *challenges the word*
Him: *points towards the blank tile and says "A"*
Me: *writes the word on a piece of paper*.
Him: *points again and says A*
Me: *just nods*
Him: *points yet again and says the same letter*
Me: *nods but starts thinking: wait, probably he means the letter "E"*
Me: Ohhhh.. E? *Writes the letter e on the paper*
Him: Yes
Me: Haha.. Owh okay..

Tak sangka pulak yang aku akan tulis kat blog pasal benda nie. But let's just pretend that this is just another fictitious short story. Tiada kaitan dengan yang hidup mahupun yang telah meninggal dunia. I added in some hiperbola and tokok tambah so it'll be something that is totally impossible to believe. Again, this is not a true story, just based on one. Let's begin.

********

I didn't realize it then, but towards the end of the game, it suddenly occurred to me that this opponent of mine is kinda cute. Okay, okay, don't get me wrong. I know how easily I see something or someone as cute or adorable, but this is a totally different situation (I'm obsessed with everything cute). We're talking about an Indonesian guy here people, just as the above conversation suggests. I didn't even know he wasn't a Malaysian up to that point, and all that while I had been using Malay language. Darn. Well back to the discussion at hand.

So yeah, he's a really good scrabble player too. It was the fifth round and we were ranked based on our results from the third game. Surprisingly I was ranked 9 and him 10, so it was as if we were destined to meet at that time and place. Okay, kidding. It was a huge mistake (for me), because ranking high means none other than meeting with those terer people, and I knew that I wasn't ready for that. I mean, these are the people who practiced yo! And the only practice I did all this while was the scrabble app on my ipad, and even that was nowhere near memorizing the long list of 2-letter and 3-letter words and bingo combinations and wjvz words. I have time constrains, what with all the softball practice and assignments and the typically busy life of yours truly.

Up to this point I have realized that I have diverged from the topic twice already. Where shall I begin again? Oh yes, let's skip to the point where he did three bingos. Yup. That wasn't a typo people. I seriously mean three bingos; dead serious. This person's insane. Well, you know what they I say: scrabble is half on luck itself. Sometimes you get the right combinations for a bingo. Sometimes you just get stuck with difficult letters without having any idea of where to dump it.

Anyway, back to our game. We finished off with a spread of 100+. That's quite huge, but I was pleased nevertheless. I mean, it's not like I expect a win or something, what with the top scorers and all. So then his friend came along. I'm not really the observant type - I don't really scrutinize people's face, not even my opponent's, especially if it's a he - so I don't remember which friend of his it was. They talked about something that I understood for a fraction of a second before it simply slipped my mind afterwards. They were talking about their game, not sure exactly what it was about; I don't like paying attention to people's conversation.

So yeah, I lost. Bad. And he was good. Damn good. What happened next was my very first experience. He held his hand out (obviously for a handshake). You know, like what people do in competitions. I simply shook my head with a mixture of awe and perplexity. Quite taken aback, but he was quick to apologize. I let out a chuckle to reduce the awkwardness that might occur if I were to leave my expression blank. His buddy said something that goes like, "weyh apa la kau nie..". In Indonesian, that is. And he was like, mana la aku tau...

Like I said, I didn't realize that he was kinda cute until we finished playing. Thank goodness though, because the last thing I want is sweat profusely if someone whom I think is cute would sit in front of me for an hour or so. Dreadful. And so I we both left the table.

I feel stupid for the next few hours. No, not the stupid stupid. I mean I feel stupid for having the urge to find him, but since I am aware that it would bring me no benefit at all, I decided it best that I didnt even try. And so I didn't. But I knew he would always be seated at the first tables, just because he's so awesome (in scrabble). I made an intentionally accidental glance towards him for half a second, smile like an idiot and look away. Geez. Facepalm. How much more pathetic can girls be.

The thought of taking his picture (or taking a picture with him) did occur to me, but once again I decided it best for me not to do so. I'll just have to trust my memory to keep fragments of images of him. Even now after more than 24 hours of the end of the scrabble competition, I have lost a generous amount of mental images of him. Surely in a few days or weeks to come, the memory of him would disappear as if it never even existed, given the fact that I have to get back to my oh-so-hectic life in school. At least I have his signature XD

*********

That is all for this ridiculously unrealistic tale of a girl having a two-day crush of a person from a different country that is not that far away from her own. Sorry to burst your bubble, but no matter how great (or how lame, depending on your judgement) this anecdote may be, it's still merely some made up story that shouldn't be trusted. Although, I can relate this story to something that really happens in real life. You see how easy it is to feel that you like someone? I mean, the character in the story didn't even see that one coming; having an instant crush on someone she just met. It depends on how we deal with these stuff. Just don't get too overboard because in the end, we are only meant for that one person that has been destined for us. I'm not so sure of the main point of this entry, but hopefully you get the gist. 

*see how I so cleverly diverged your attention to something more beneficial?* XP

Quote di atas macam tiada kaitan sangat. But nvm

Bengang

I'm clueless. Currently mystified, perplexed and bewildered by things going on around me. Not so sure what or where my aim is right now. WARNING: kata-kata yang anda bakal baca (sekiranya anda bercadang untuk baca) mungkin akan menyebabkan anda sakit hati, sakit jiwa, stres, amnesia, insomnia, diarrhoea, mahupun kecerdasan minda. Baca at your own risk.

Hari Ini

So now I'm stuck with two options: to continue writing my debat text (which is due tomorrow) or to blog. Since you're currently reading this post (or so I assume), I'm sure you know which option I picked. A number of good-enough-to-be-called-memories happened today, and I guess I'll start with.... night-time. Us Borneo's or Borneons whatever had a small gathering to discuss about cultural day. Turns out we had to go as one "different" culture; that is, to not go with our respective language class bla3. And once again I'm in this situation where I don't know where I belong to. It felt warm though, to have people of whom you can relate to and people who understands you to be around .

Prep time: conversation between me and Ain Nasuha

Me: I know "it" won't happen. I bet on it

Ain: Don't look down on yourself man...

Me: Nahh.. Still betting on it