The 'A' Victim

As scary as the title sounds, it is.

*looks sideways to see if coast is clear*

*runs for dear life while flailing hands and screeching like a wild, messed-up baboon*

credit

Okay so I'm definitely not the first person to preach "The number of A's on your transcript don't matter", but I feel that I, too, would like to share my own experience of being "The 'A' Victim"
*evil laugh and creepy flashing lights*

First of all, I was admitted to a regular daily school for both my primary school years and lower secondary school years. That's age 7-15 years old for you peeps who's asking. Typically, the goal of each student is to score as many A's as they can get for the standardized test at the end of primary school and lower secondary school known as UPSR and PMR respectively. As a result, lots of time and money are spent towards ensuring that a piece of paper has stacks of A's printed on it. I, of course, wasn't excluded.

"But ma'am, are you saying that I should neglect studying altogether?" questions an imaginary young girl with innocent blue eyes.

"Absolutely not!" replies the author of the blog, suggesting to the imaginary girl to read until the end of the post to truly understand its contents.

Me from the past spent most of her days studying for exams. With her big brother in boarding school and her dad in a different state (due to work reasons), she was only home with her mom with nothing to do for fun but watch tv or surf the Internet or play games. That was her typical daily routine: study, TV, Internet, games, and sometimes going out on the weekends. Me from the past, unlike me from the present, didn't think the routine was boring, for she had been going through a similar cycle ever since she could remember. Of course, she undoubtedly have an unbroken chain of A's on her UPSR and PMR transcript.

Now back to the future: the present. Upon entering upper secondary education at PERMATApintar, I have begun to question what me from the past have learned. All those years in school and I've learned too few, if anything, about life. I've learned too few, if anything, about myself. It is in PERMATApintar that I've discovered so many things; more than what I've discovered hitherto. Going through interviews and college applications, I learned that your personality is what sets you apart from everyone else.

So, as a student, what should you do? Sure, your exam scores do somehow reflect how responsible you are with you current job: a student. The goal of getting an A is a decent one, and everyone should have that goal. However, you should never, ever let that goal limit your vision of the endless discoveries of life. Explore your interests, do what you like. e.g. If you are intrigued by science, join some science program out there, read about it, and let your inner curiosity take over. Why? Because the answer to the question "What do you wanna be when you grow up" can only be answered with full honesty if you know what exactly makes you jump up and down for joy.

There's lots of things that you can get involved in, and it does not necessarily have to come from the school. The Internet is absolutely a great way to start (for you younger ones, I believe adult supervision is necessary). Engage in science forums, join an online art class, read advanced literature if you're a lit geek (I'm sure they exist somewhere on the web). Learn about your religion, memorize the Quran, learn a new language, read about what happened today in history. The possibilities are endless!

credit

It's a bit late of a realization for me. But I guess this experience has enabled me to write this post today from a personal point of view. It's not until I entered PPN that I started taking baby steps away from the hands of the A catastrophe. I've recently just completed my first year in college. In my second year I experimented my time management skills by taking part in so many different things that I barely have time to study. But it all turned out okay.

The bottom line is, whenever you see a chance for you to make a journey of self-discovery, grab it, even if it means losing (some of) your study time.

Trust me, I'm a college student B)

Freshman Year (and I'm gonna be here for the next four years)

Credit

Freshman year as a UofI student, I lived in the residence halls. More precisely, a female-only residence hall by the name of Busey-Evans, located in the heart of campus. They say living in the halls is expensive (which, in fact, is not false) but my one-year of being a resident of Evans, I dare say it's worth the hole in your poket. And I'm about to share with you why

1. Friends

I'm neither good nor quick at making friends. Often times, I find myself befriending very few people, compared to others. But there's a perk of being in some place new where absolutely no one knows you: they don't know you! As in, you can be anyone you want when you meet them the first time.

So I used this idea to approach random people in the dining hall and say, "hey, can I sit here?". And that's how most of my friendships come from. What makes this easy is that almost everyone in the halls is freshman, and all of them are eager to make new friends. So why not give it a start huh?

I was one of the fortunate ones who ended up rooming with one of the closest friends that I made during my first year. She's a Korean who happens to live in malaysia because her father owns some kind of Korean market somewhere in KL, so we had a common ground to begin with. Then she met this Asian American (literally means a chinese who was born in America) and the three of us became really close friends. See, although I have trouble making friends, I do cherish friendships that I can rely on, like these two.

Asian-American, Malaysian, Korean-Malaysian

2. Food (not really)

Well, when you keep seeing the same food over and over for a whole year, you'd probably develop a sense of hatred towards what they call "dorm food". And imagine just being able to eat rice with tasteless vegetables and if you're lucky, with fried shrimp or salmon. They do have a variety vegan options such as spinach lasagna and spaghetti but still... I want my sambal belacan!!! T_T

I was very lucky they had rice for every meal. I think that I could possibly become a zombie if I dont consume rice for a day. Huh... Asian crisis. On the positive note however, having meal plans mean that you do not need to bother preparing a meal for yourself. It's all ready and all you need to do is go downstairs to the dining hall

This is the point where I got so tired of their food

3. Location

Omg this is my favourite part! Okay the thing I really love about my hall is its proximity to most of my classes on campus. One time, I woke up 20 mins before class and I literally just jumped out of bed, washed my face, brushed my teeth, got ready and ran off to class. And I made it in time!

Okay sure, I cheated. I didn't shower. (don't tell my 8am lab partner that I never shower before I come tp lab. dont judge me!) But who cares? I wasn't late
This wouldn't have been made possible had I lived further. I would have to wait for the bus but even then I'd be late. I usually walk to class from my halls and I love walking.

4. Resources

Yup. You paid loads for this baby. Might as well just use it. There's a gym which is walking distance from my halls. Sadly I seldom visit it :( I used to go once a week in Fall but the frequency significantly decreased in the next semester. They also have a library and a computer lab in the halls. Both are great study spaces.

Bottom line? From experience, I believe that spending that extra cash to live in the residence hall your first year is definitely worth it, provided that you don't stay cooped up in your room watching Netflix all day. :)

Kali Pertama

i.

I was walking down the aisle in the library (UIUC UGL at that), looking at the books and at the same time thinking about how Malay dramas picture two college students have eye contact when they were in a situation similar to one that I was currently in. I was waiting for that moment to happen to me - a (cute) guy would be on the other side of the bookshelf, searching for books but found me instead. But guess what? It didn't! There wasn't a single soul down the aisle apart from me.

And as I sat down at one of the empty tables in the library, I awaited with patience for a guy to just approach me saying, "Hey, can I sit here?". Then we would start getting to know each other and he would start having a crush on me and he would buy me things, drive me places, give me free rides, do anything I ask him to do and in the end I shall dump him (this has been explained in my previous post, Kontradiksi). This library-is-where-I-met-that-special-someone situation has been shown in numerous dramas. Surely they must be true right? Wrong! I sat there for five whole minutes and still no sign of any cute guys wanting to sit with me. :(

So I made a drastic conclusion: Dramas are the biggest liars of all time. Period. That's why I gave up on dramas since the beginning of time. They simply give you false hopes, like the one I had while standing between two huge bookcases. Fictions give you false hopes too. Well, everything in this worldly life gives you false hopes. Hooray for that.

This thing is too cute :3

ii.

Just yesterday I was attending the Speech Team info night, wondering what the hell I was doing there. I mean, I am in no circumstances interested in such a competitive activity. So why the heck did I sign up for something that I know I won't want to get involved in? This ultimately brings me back to something someone said during the MSA (Muslim Students Association) girls meeting:

"Try something new. I never liked tomatoes. Someone made me ate it and now I kinda like it a bit."

Try something new. Speech Team? Nah.. I'm still not interested. I did try to eat steamed/boiled Brussels Sprout and it turned out to be disgusting. And I used to wonder how real strawberries and blackberries and raspberries tasted like. I didn't like them. I prefer grapes. I danced. No, not real dancing. There was one night when our RA invited us to play Wii. I always wanted to play Wii. I thought we would be playing football or something. But no. We danced. And I kinda liked it a bit.

Another thing I would like to highlight is that during the orientation, the Dean promised all of us students that we would not be the same person as we are now when we graduate from UIUC. I wanna see that one come into play. Probably I'll go around dressed up as a chicken or something. That's something different right? Well, on a more serious note, I am hoping to change for the better. People change, so let's make that change beneficial for us and for those around us.

iii.

I was got on the bus to go back to my dorms. There was an empty seat next to me. Upon realising that, a guy whom I don't know just came by, sat on the empty seat, held out his hand and introduced himself to me. I was surprised to say the least, but I immediately apologized, saying I can't shake hands with him. He seemed cool with it. He was being really friendly, and I am not very comfortable with guys who are "too friendly". We had a small chat about the usual: what's your major? where do you live? etc. Then there was silence. Like, dead silence. Awkward silence. So awkward that I wish things would have turned out differently; I could've gotten on another bus, I could've just stood in the bus, I could've just chose to walk. But the thing is, I didn't! And now I'm stuck in this dimension of awkwardness, if that even exists. By the time I got off the bus, he said "Bye" to which I reciprocated with the same word.

That was one of the most embarrassing moments in my life.

iv.

Anywho, it's Jumuah and almost two whole weeks of me in the United States and one whole week of being a college student (see the word I used there? "college"). Miraculously things have gotten well enough for me (Alhamdulillah). PERMATA seniors love to mention how their experience in PERMATA has aided them in life in university, and I would like to agree upon that. You see, back in PERMATA there was all this pressure of getting assignments and other stuff done. Be it volunteer work, research, making a model of a stadium, and now I am more than grateful with what I have gone through in PERMATA

I happen to be enrolled in a compulsory English Rhetoric course. It was something about thesis writing. And the instructor said, "I guess all of you must've worked on a thesis at least once" and I thought about how lucky I am to have had the opportunity of writing a research paper previously. So I didn't feel that much left out when the others nodded to the instructor's statement. There are lots of other instances that I can set forth, but this insignificant little blog post could not contain such personal diaries of the author herself. (I do have a diary if you must know)

v.

I am looking forward to a great 4 years of college life. As for others who might be reading this: pursue your dreams. You'll get to where Allah wants you to be. InsyaAllah.

Just another quick note: A lot of people said that my name, Aini, is a pretty name. Kbye

Kontradiksi

Sekarang nie aku takut pada dua perkara

1. Aku akan dapat boyfriend (which is very unlikely but no possibilities shall be ruled out no matter how absurd it may seem)

2. Aku takkan dapat boyfriend (which is apparently a scary thought)

And I'm like, aku merepek apa kat sini nie. Actually this thought invaded my innocent mind several days before I leave Malaysia and I don't know how it's even there. Kenapa aku takut aku akan dapat boyfriend? Simple. Sebab aku tak pernah ada boyfriend selama ini. I have 17 years of experience of being single and watching people being not single. So I'm more of a spectator rather than a participant. Now, reality scares me (as quoted from Fatihah's blog). I'd be seeing more and more of these species. And what if I become one of them? I don't know how it could be possible especially for someone like me, but I've seen enough decent people who ended up in a relationship that pretty much turned their lives topsy turvy. Not to blame them. Just to point out the fact that you can never be too sure that you will remain as good as a person as you always have been.

As for the second one, yes, aku takut aku takkan dapat boyfriend. Kenapa? Sebab I thought of college life and I thought about having company that'll make my college life meaningful and unforgettable. Just yesterday morning a senior mentioned that life in UIUC would be great if you can make friends, because here, there are no attractions nearby that we can actually visit. Sounds a lot like PERMATA actually. I mean, PERMATA is in the middle of nowhere and we only have ourselves as company. Making friends makes life less painful in PERMATA.

So obviously the senior mentioned "friend", not "boyfriend". Duh. But again I can't stop thinking how it would be like with and without one. To be frank, back in school I used to have really close guy friends. Ones whom I can joke around and hang out with. And girl friends all around me. But of course college life is way different. I'd be loner without a boyfriend. LOL. This is shit talking. A boyfriend can drive me places, buy me food, give me (free) rides, and be there when I need him. At the end of college year, I shall dump him, because obviously he is of no use to me any more. I am a bad, bad person.

Come to think of it, one should never get too attached to another human being. Why? Because we're only temporary. We should never totally depend on a human because we never know what might happen tomorrow or the next day or the next day. Attach to Allah and you'll find your life complete. Maybe that's the whole point. The point of never having a boyfriend. So we don't lean on them and find out one day that they just poof away, leaving us stumble down with a pain in the ass. 

I don't intend in getting a boyfriend (or having a crush on anyone for that matter). I come here for the experience and knowledge. But those two fears up there will continue to linger in my head until I find a community that I truly trust here. In the meantime, I shall continue to adapt and InsyaAllah, with the help from Allah, I will survive.

That is all for now.

Cheers

Awkward Hugs and Fake Smiles

"Hey, I'm T. What's your name?" she said, her eyes glittering with the excitement of meeting someone she has never met before in her life.

"Oh um, Nuraini,"

"Hi nice to meet you. Where are you from?"

"I'm from PERMATApintar"

"Oh," she paused for a fraction of a second, wondering whether to continue asking what the heck this PERMATApintar is or to just let the question linger in her brain until she finds the right time to ask again.

"How old are you," she chose the latter.

"Seventeen,"

"Wow!" she exclaims in utter disbelief.

"And you?" I ask just to make the conversation look more of a conversation and less of an interview.

"I'm 20 - man I feel old," the look of astonishment is still present on her face. "So that means you're not taking SPM?"

"No. Well, yeah actually I did last year. Only that I took two subjects,"

From the gap in her mouth I can tell that she has a problem taking 'em all in. "So the two subjects are?"

"BM and Sejarah," I say. "Because those two subjects are 'wajib lulus SPM' subjects," I continue, knowing that the word "why" would be dancing in her mind.

"So is everyone not taking SPM?"

"Oh no, no. The group who are going to fly this year (insyaAllah) are called the fast-track group. The others in our batch take SPM"

"So now you guys can go prepare for Iftar and we shall proceed with solat Maghrib, Isyak and Tarawih," announces the Amira of the program.

"It was nice talking to ya. See ya later," she walks away and joins her peers.

And I'm left alone.

Not that I mind being alone - I'm quite used to it already. I'm attending this 3-day program all on my own by the way, unlike the others who has company.

I remember a few years back I used to try my best to make friends every time I go to programs like these: camps, workshops or anything similar. I tried so hard that I knew I was trying to be someone else - someone who does not suck at making friends - so I won't end up a loner.

But throughout these past year or past few months of self-discovery, I finally realised that it's just not how I roll. I'm not the friendly type, mind you; I'm the quiet and shy type. The type of people who would rather just stay silent if he/she has nothing better to say, because the fact is, they don't even know what to say! I'm not verbose; I don't easily produce words from my mouth.

And now I was finally able to accept that part of me. To not be embarrassed if I was unable to find a companion because to me, I don't need to actually find one; friendships should be built naturally. Let Friendship blossom with time.

Don't get me wrong though. I may not talk as frequent as the next girl does, but I still allow room for them to get to talk to me, like sitting together with them during meals even though I hardly ever talk to them unless they start talking to me. I speak when I'm spoken to.

I can't make friends easily, unlike some people who do it with the grace of a mamak flipping roti canai. No. That's just not me. But I do like having friends; it's just that I don't like making them or finding them. As I said earlier, let Friendship blossom with time.

I'm not saying it's wrong to actually go out there and find new acquaintances. It's good to increase your number of contacts. I'm simply sharing with you the fact that I find it really tough to make friends on a first meeting and would rather go with the flow (if that's the right term).

*****

"We have come to the end of the program. Thank you all for such a wonderful experience. Now let's get into a circle and we'll start the goodbye salam (salam perpisahan? :P),"

So there I am, standing beside some people I by then have their face and characteristics memorised, putting so much effort in creating a smile that'll convince them that yes, I did have a good time here, because as a matter of fact, I did have fun.

Hugs

Smiles

Goodbyes

Good luck wishes

Take care wishes

Hopes that we'll meet again one day

I don't like lying, so I either nod and smile or simply respond with a "yeah, you too" to their wishes.

Phew! That's finally over.

Now don't blame me. 

It's just how I roll.

Halfway Through the Hols

Back when I was so overwhelmed by endless school work that I had so little time to even stop and think, I anticipated the holidays because I thought it would be a great getaway for me. I would finally have more time for updating this blog and do what I've always been doing back when I was in daily school, or so I thought. After less than a week left of the hols, I finally figured that for one thing, the happenings in school were what inspired me to write, and without that motivation, even with plenty of time in my hands, I still won't be able to update my blog. Well, this entry today is just for the sake of updating. Nothing interesting to share, but since it's still holidays, let me tell you how I spent it with. (boo! that's lame! *throws tomatoes*)

In the very beginning of the holidays, the research report submission deadline haunted me for several nights. No, they did not appear in the form of ghosts. Rather, it's the fact that I have to read on p values (what the heck is that thing) and learn how to use the SPSS system (aku menyesal tak ikut bengkel SPSS T_T) all on my own. Horrifying. It was the sole cause of my headache which lasted for until (now don't be a grammar nazi) I submitted the final report. Phew. I read and reread and rereread the whole report until I was ultimately satisfied with it. And along the way, I found out the benefits of doing research (kenapa kau macam nerd sangat nie hah?). Let me list that down for ya (ok, memang sah kau dah jadi nerd weh)

• Experience (bukan semua orang dapat peluang baca record pesakit weh!)
• Knowledge (sebelum nie perkataan intracerebral haemorrhage tu aku tak pernah dengar pun. masa mentor aku explain, aku main angguk-angguk tak geleng-geleng aja. sekarang nie, perghhh.. dan boleh buat karangan pasal benda tuh. hebat tak aku?)
• Practice (nanti tak lah aku terkial-kial buat tesis tebal nak mampus kat univesiti)

I could spend more time listing them all down, but that sounds a bit too boring ey? So let's move on.

That one night, I received a text message saying "Nuraini O:-)" from an unknown number (technically hampir semua number kat fon aku tu unknown, because I don't save people's phone numbers! but this particular one I've never seen :P). "kau rasa siapa nie?" the anon asked further. My instincts deep down in my gut says that it's Aida, my best friend from SMKTTF. Turns out I was right! Man, I never knew I had such powerful gut instincts. I should listen to it more often. Lol. Oh, and I knew it was a friend back is Sabah because almost all of them refer to me as "Nuraini".

A few days later I received another anon text message, this time from Nazareen, also a friend from SMKTTF (which of course was foreseen and foretold by my gut instincts). She called me and we talked for like 20 minutes. I know I haven't been speaking Sabahan for a very long time, so long that I don't sound like the old me anymore. Sobs. A few minutes later, Aida called. We caught up on old times.

"Si anu couple sudah sama si anu"

"Dia suka sama si anu bha"

"Diorang dua rapat nie..."

 It's quite a surprise how much things have shifted since I left that place not too long ago. Well, I guess time is just doing its job, separating the past from the present, the present from the future, and me from the life I used to live back then. And dude, my Sabahan sounds so rusty that I am totally embarrassed by it! I mean, who says "weyh" in Sabah? Lol. Facepalm.

Ever since the holidays, I have lost my immunity/kekebalan towards alarms. Yup. It was so difficult for anything to wake me up back in QuadP that I could easily sleep through 3 alarms. I'm halfway through finishing Allegiant, the third and final book of the Divergent trilogy. I have actually just started on the Kerja Kursus Add Math. Opened up the laptop to google for answers (don't get me wrong. I'm not cheating. I'm just checking to see whether my answers are correct, that's all). And then I decided to see how my blog is going and...... Ohhhh.. So that's how I got here... *memandang sekeliling meja* *kertas add math masih berterabur*

You know what, I should get going. Just hoping that my minor symptoms of ADHD won't get in the way of me finishing the kerja kursus. Again.

#002

He smiled. It might have been my mere imagination, or it might have not been, but what I did see that he wasn't frowning. Nor was his demeanour anywhere near expressionless. So was he smiling? It seemed so weird a gesture. A smile had never been so out of place except on his face. Jarang dia baik macam tu kat aku. Well, not saying he's mean. Just pointing out the fact that, well, it's the first time I ever saw him do that. Nampak ikhlas, tapi mungkin judgement aku salah. Biarlah.

****

Kenapa aku nie pemalu sangat weyh?

Kau pemalu ka? Setahu aku kau la orang yang paling tak tau malu.

Ah.. Kenapa mesti aku rasa malu. Malu sangat. Susah nak berkomunikasi dengan manusia. Sebab malu.

*****

Berhenti merungut. Terlalu banyak yang kau perlu syukuri untuk kau luahkan ketidakpuasan hati kau hanya disebabkan sesuatu yang sekecil biji sawi.

Diari #001 (it's about time I label posts like these as a diary so you guys won't be so stunned reading my inner thoughts)

Just finished my very first fixi novel - KELABU. Very interesting story, I must say. Cara si penulis mengembangkan watak Amir itu berjaya menahan aku daripada meletakkan buku itu selagi aku belum habis membacanya. I like books yang menyebabkan aku menepuk dahi secara spontan, ketawa sorang2 macam orang putus wayar, hentak dinding macam orang putus cinta, dan menangis macam orang tengah potong bawang. Yup. Books make me do all those ridiculous (and probably embarrassing) acts in public. Makes me wonder how a person could have such a good sense of sarcasm and humour.

*****

#Pergi

Tak kesah pun kalau takda gambar aku langsung. (Well, at least I see my face in the group photo). Seriously, I dislike taking pictures especially if it involves me being the only object on camera. But tipu la kalau aku cakap aku tak terasa walaupun sedikit. Felt a bit..how to put it...left out? Hakikatnya semua manusia itu ada perasaan, though some choose to ignore seeing or feeling the emotions in some people.

(Terlalu public kah tempat ini untuk aku coretkan isi hati? erk) (kata-kata ini bukan ditujukan kepada mana-mana pihak, so please jangan terasa. aku tau betapa rare dan limited editionnya gambar aku. biasalah, naluri artis dalam diri aku ini mengakibatkan aku secara reflex akan mengelak orang nak ambik gambar aku. eh, bukan naluri artis nie suka ambik gambar ka? apa2 ja la)

*****

Perpishan

My absence may or may not bring any significance, though I hope that either way it'll turn out to be something positive. Yang aku tengah fikir, aku di situ, dan orang tu di sana. Hmm.. orang mana yang aku maksudkan? Aku pun tak tau

*****

Sometimes I think I'm being too hard on myself. I should take it easy. Dump all your negative thoughts dude. You're not gonna be happy if you keep thinking that you're this useless girl nobody wants. (bunyi macam kasar ja. but this is a monologue, so tak kasar pun sebenarnya. heh)

*****

Semenjak dua tiga menjak nie too many thoughts come pouring out of my brain especially time tengah mandi (tapi aku tak bazir air okeh) Tapi aku rasa this is not the right time for me to disclose it somewhere so public. Biarlah terapung dalam lautan fikiran aku. Tapi kalau tunggu for the right moment, mesti dah basi dah by then. You know, good thoughts only come out once, and even if you try to construct the exact same words an hour later, it won't be as powerful as the first one. At least, that's how it works for me. 

I remember your smile

Was YouTube-walking the other day (before wifi went down) and stumbled upon this one nasheed that really touched my heart. Well, for starters, I don't like loud, booming music that just gives you earache (and me, headache). I prefer listening to something slow, sentimental and loaded with meanings (not that I am a person with those characteristics mentioned).

Sadly, not much music nowadays fit into that description, and that is why I feel the need (to help humankind) to share this heart-warming nasheed. If you think you might be allergic to this kind of music, well, tak kenal maka tak cinta. Hehe.

Your smile

And yet

So hard

Remember

Your eyes

Most of all

I remember

Your smile

Where there is right there is no wrong

I always thought we were so strong

but our time just flew by

There wasn´t a chance to say goodbye

I´m so confused

I feel all alone

Deep in my heart

I know Allah has called you home

But yet

Your smile

Still lingers in my mind

And yet

It´s so hard

I just break down and cry

I remember

Your eyes

Find away to melt my heart

Most of all

I remember

I remember your smile

Sometimes I lie awake at night

The pain in my heart I just can´t find

Why did you have to go away?

Yet I know none of us can stay

You will always be

so special to me

In this world 

you will always live as a memory

But yet

Your smile

Still lingers in my mind

And yet

It´s so hard

I just break down and cry

I remember

Your eyes

Find away to melt my heart

Most of all

I remember

I remember your smile

But yet

Your smile

Still lingers in my mind

And yet

It´s so hard

I just break down and cry

I remember

Your eyes

Find away to melt my heart

Most of all

I remember

I remember your smile

There you go ^_^
What do you think of this nasheed? Feel like crying now? Want a tissue? (please say yes please say yes please say yes) :P

Top Floor Rant

Pensel kaler dilarikan di atas kertas bersaiz A3. Peluh dikesat. Dingin bayu selepas hujan kencang mengasak pipi. Tangan meraba-raba tikar mencari kaler lain. Biru muda. Dicapai lalu diberikan tona pada baju si gadis yang dalam lukisan itu.

Weyh aku tak suka mewarna la

Gaun biru muda beserta lace ungu. Hmm. Dagu diusap tanda memikirkan idea penambah baikan.

Aini, tolong lukiskan tangan. Aku tak reti laaa

Mata beralih kepada si budak yang sedari tadi mengeluh tentang ketidakretiannya dalam bidang seni lukis. Ditunjuknya drawing sepasang tangan yang dihulur ke hadapan. (Or at least I think it's a drawing. Kehkehkeh). 

Tanpa sengaja, pecah pula ketawa si Nuraini melihat drawing tersebut. Totally accidental. Bukan berniat untuk mematahkan semangat si pelukis. Si Alifah yang sejak tadi hanya berdiam diri turut tertawa saat melihat attempt drawing si Ain.

Ehhh.. Jahat...

Wah.. lawa gila Malin kaler

Biasalah, dua tahun belajar mewarna tuh

Tumpuan beralih pula pada Amalin yang sedang mengenakan tona warna gelap pada lukisan tangan yang membentuk love. Memang cantik. Penuh seni.

Semua kembali pada hal masing-masing. Dicapai lukisan Ain lalu dicuba untuk membetulkan lukisan tangan tersebut. Setelah beberapa sketch hasil peniruan dari internet, nampaklah sedikit rupa tangan itu walaupun tidak sempurna. Baiklah.

Tak kanku biarkan walau ribut menyentakmu yang tidur

datang petir menyambar
jengking dan ular–
bonda takkan berundur

Lagu Arjuna Beta dimainkan di telefon bimbit Alifah

Weyh, tak suka la lagu nie. Creepy

Apa yang creepy nya?

Ha'ah, scary arh..

Macam orang psiko nyanyi

kan ada satu ketika kau tak tahu mana nak pergi
jalan betul, anakanda,
tak jelas mata
ambil yang sarat duri

Lalu si Ain pun membuat muka seakan-akan psiko. Lunatic mode. Eh.

Kerja diteruskan. Kini beralih pula pada background. Guna oil pastel milik Alifah. Orange yang gradually change to yellow. Bottom to top. Giliran Ain pula memasang lagu. Ain.fm.

Tangan berasa lenguh memegang batang krayon yang beraneka warna itu. Sesekali kaler keluar garisan jugak. Haish, tak suka buat tedious jobs.

When the days are cold

And the cards all fold

Tukar kepada kaler oren-kekuningan. Tona warna nie perlu ada skill. Skill yang seorang Nur Amalin miliki setelah mengikuti kelas mewarna semasa di alam persekolahan dahulu. Skill yang aku belajar secara tidak formal dengan memerhatikan rakanku yang terer melukis dan mewarna. In-born talent. Hmph. Aku? Hampeh ja..

When you feel my heat

Look into my eyes

It’s where my demons hide

It’s where my demons hide

Di hujung atas dilayerkan terlebih dahulu dengan kaler putih. Entah wujud ka tidak skill yang digunakan itu. Tak kesah la. Kaler kuning pucat pula ditambah bagi menghubungkan kaler putih tadi dengan kaler oren kekuning-kuningan. Tona simple ja. 

Kajian mengatakan lelaki berkulit gelap lebih seksi

Hah?

Kat paper ada tulis

Oh.. Ya ka? 

Hmm.. Kalau aku pun aku suka lelaki yang kulit tak putih sangat.

Macam sapa? Si .........

Setelah beberapa nama disebut kemudian, masing-masing kembali menghadap kertas masing-masing.

Weyh, kaler apa sesuai untuk baju lelaki ni?

Hitam la. Kontra dengan kaler merah

Ala, tak nak hitam

Biru tua

At night when the stars light up my room

Biru tua dicapai

I sit by myself 

Lukisan si Wani ni hanya menampakkan sebahagian lengan lelaki dan sebahagian lengan perempuan. Hand-in-hand. Beserta sebuah love gergasi di belakang genggaman tangan kedua-duanya. Lalu lengan baju lelaki itu mula diwarnakan.

Talking to the moooooooooon

Seluar si lelaki pula diwarnakan dengan warna hitam. Hmm.. Biasalah. Warna apa lagi kalau bukan hitam? 

Love itu pula warna merah hati. Striking. Tertulis "Only You Can Make This World Seem Right" pada bahagian atas kertas bersaiz A3 itu.

Sebentar kemudian, tiba si pelukis, Nurul Shyazwani, di top floor blok A. Tidak melepaskan peluang untuk turut serta dalam pertemuan budak-budak K1 bagi menyiapkan assignment English.

Aku dengar tadi weyh korang sembang pasal lelaki kulit gelap

Aik. Kuat sangatkah suara kami sehingga sampai ke telinga orang yang berada di tingkat satu itu? Ish ish ish...

Dah siap! Lukisan tersebut telah siap diwarnakan. Alhamdulillah. Dah masuk Asar dah pun. Pensel kaler yang berterabur di atas tikar itu dikutip semula. Diri bersiap-siap untuk kembali ke bilik.

Maka berakhirlah rant pada hari itu. Rant pasal banyak perkara. Rant yang sebenarnya terlalu rumit untuk diisikan di ruangan blog yang tidak seberapa ini. Rant yang pasti meninggalkan secebis kenangan walau sekecil biji sawi. Rant yang mungkin limited edition; tidak mungkin akan berlaku lagi apabila melihat pada apa yang bakal diri masing-masing hadapi tidak lama lagi. Rant tingkat empat, belum mencapai rooftop lagi. 

Ini top floor rant.

2011

"Do you want to please others, or do you want to please Allah?"

Tak ingat exact words dia, tapi lebih kurang macam tu lah persoalan yang dia ajukan kat aku lebih kurang tiga tahun yang lalu. Masih segar dalam ingatan aku.

Lokasi: bilik di Kolej Keris Mas, UKM.

Tujuan: PPCS 2011

Masa tu aku roommate dengan Nur Mawaddah. Suatu hari tu, seorang budak yang aku kenal dengan nama Alia masuk ke bilik untuk meminjam iron. Dulu aku ingat setiap kali aku mention nama "Alia", orang mesti akan tanya, "Alia yang mana satu?" 

Eh, ada berapa Alia kat sini ni? Aku kenal sorang ja. "Alia yang kripto tu." jawab aku. 

"Dua-dua Alia kripto." 

Mak aih. Tepuk dahi. 

Tapi sekarang aku dah kenal Alia Meliki dan Siti Nuralieya. Haish, payah betul kalau diri ini tak kenal orang.

Okay, back to main story. Aku tanya budak bertudung labuh itu, "Kau pakai baju hijau tu (yang kecik nak mampos) atau baju lain?" 

Pada masa itu aku sendiri dalam dilemma. Nak pakai baju hijau (sebab sepatutnya semua diwajibkan pakai) atau baju lain. 

Lalu dia dengan yakinnya menjawab, "Alia pakai baju lain." 

"Bukan kita semua mesti pakai baju hijau ka?" aku terus mengajukan soalan. 

Tanpa berfikir panjang, dia terus memberi jawapan di atas. "Do you want to please others, or do you want to please Allah?". 

Nah, penampar.

 Pada zaman itu aku masih tidak kenal akan ayat-ayat seperti yang dituturnya tadi. Janggal. Jarang kudengari. Alien. ET. Asing gila bagai berjumpa dengan kucing bertanduk. Eh.

Well, the question posed is self-explanatory, so no need for me to elaborate. Entah kenapa, kata-kata si Alia Meliki ni melekat kat memori aku sampai saat ini. Biasanya aku ni spesis manusia yang mudah lupa. Alpa.

Berdehem kuat-kuat. 

Soalan itu membawa sesuatu yang sangat bermakna, meskipun hanya sepotong ayat yang mungkin sudah biasa didengari oleh segelintir masyarakat di luar sana.

Lama-lama, setelah minda aku dibasuh dengan kematangan dek 1001 pengalaman pahitmanissukaduka yang ditempuhi, aku mula faham akan mesej yang terkandung dalam statement tersebut. Harus kita ingat, dalam apa jua tindakan kita, Allah mesti dijadikan keutamaan, kerana sesungguhnya...

Tak tau kenapa. Rasa macam nak share ja peristiwa ini, takut-takut suatu hari nanti slip my mind pula kan. There are some things that you just can't trust to memory. 

Heh..

Sikit Lagi

It's been more than a year now. You know what I mean. And in a matter of weeks or possibly months, this whole thing would be over. Once and for all. I've been through the bitter pain of self-studying. I've endured the fight for SPM without the aid received by the other SPM candidates out there. I've struggled to keep afloat when so many things just burden me and threaten to sink me to the bottom. I've learnt too many things the hard way. I've been in situations that cause me discomfort. I have felt what it feels like to have your heart shattered. Eh. 

And it's all coming to an end. Dum dum dummmm...

Well, all I have to do now is finish off my research and its report in 1 week and get an A+ for it, send in my Portfolio and Career Folio (and get an A+ for that as well), ace the upcoming interviews and get my hands on that scholarship, negotiate with the university people for a change in major, study for the upcoming exams,  be prepared for SPM just in case that track is destined for me, get all dolled up ready for the College Dinner, and on top off all, survive. All I have to do now is survive. I have gone a long way (Alhamdulillah) and quitting now would mean injustice. All I have to do is survive.. And strive.. And pray for the best...

Sikit lagi.. Sikit lagi..

Fighting!

"Crush" dari Seberang

Him: *places a bingo word with a blank tile on the board*
Me: *challenges the word*
Him: *points towards the blank tile and says "A"*
Me: *writes the word on a piece of paper*.
Him: *points again and says A*
Me: *just nods*
Him: *points yet again and says the same letter*
Me: *nods but starts thinking: wait, probably he means the letter "E"*
Me: Ohhhh.. E? *Writes the letter e on the paper*
Him: Yes
Me: Haha.. Owh okay..

Tak sangka pulak yang aku akan tulis kat blog pasal benda nie. But let's just pretend that this is just another fictitious short story. Tiada kaitan dengan yang hidup mahupun yang telah meninggal dunia. I added in some hiperbola and tokok tambah so it'll be something that is totally impossible to believe. Again, this is not a true story, just based on one. Let's begin.

********

I didn't realize it then, but towards the end of the game, it suddenly occurred to me that this opponent of mine is kinda cute. Okay, okay, don't get me wrong. I know how easily I see something or someone as cute or adorable, but this is a totally different situation (I'm obsessed with everything cute). We're talking about an Indonesian guy here people, just as the above conversation suggests. I didn't even know he wasn't a Malaysian up to that point, and all that while I had been using Malay language. Darn. Well back to the discussion at hand.

So yeah, he's a really good scrabble player too. It was the fifth round and we were ranked based on our results from the third game. Surprisingly I was ranked 9 and him 10, so it was as if we were destined to meet at that time and place. Okay, kidding. It was a huge mistake (for me), because ranking high means none other than meeting with those terer people, and I knew that I wasn't ready for that. I mean, these are the people who practiced yo! And the only practice I did all this while was the scrabble app on my ipad, and even that was nowhere near memorizing the long list of 2-letter and 3-letter words and bingo combinations and wjvz words. I have time constrains, what with all the softball practice and assignments and the typically busy life of yours truly.

Up to this point I have realized that I have diverged from the topic twice already. Where shall I begin again? Oh yes, let's skip to the point where he did three bingos. Yup. That wasn't a typo people. I seriously mean three bingos; dead serious. This person's insane. Well, you know what they I say: scrabble is half on luck itself. Sometimes you get the right combinations for a bingo. Sometimes you just get stuck with difficult letters without having any idea of where to dump it.

Anyway, back to our game. We finished off with a spread of 100+. That's quite huge, but I was pleased nevertheless. I mean, it's not like I expect a win or something, what with the top scorers and all. So then his friend came along. I'm not really the observant type - I don't really scrutinize people's face, not even my opponent's, especially if it's a he - so I don't remember which friend of his it was. They talked about something that I understood for a fraction of a second before it simply slipped my mind afterwards. They were talking about their game, not sure exactly what it was about; I don't like paying attention to people's conversation.

So yeah, I lost. Bad. And he was good. Damn good. What happened next was my very first experience. He held his hand out (obviously for a handshake). You know, like what people do in competitions. I simply shook my head with a mixture of awe and perplexity. Quite taken aback, but he was quick to apologize. I let out a chuckle to reduce the awkwardness that might occur if I were to leave my expression blank. His buddy said something that goes like, "weyh apa la kau nie..". In Indonesian, that is. And he was like, mana la aku tau...

Like I said, I didn't realize that he was kinda cute until we finished playing. Thank goodness though, because the last thing I want is sweat profusely if someone whom I think is cute would sit in front of me for an hour or so. Dreadful. And so I we both left the table.

I feel stupid for the next few hours. No, not the stupid stupid. I mean I feel stupid for having the urge to find him, but since I am aware that it would bring me no benefit at all, I decided it best that I didnt even try. And so I didn't. But I knew he would always be seated at the first tables, just because he's so awesome (in scrabble). I made an intentionally accidental glance towards him for half a second, smile like an idiot and look away. Geez. Facepalm. How much more pathetic can girls be.

The thought of taking his picture (or taking a picture with him) did occur to me, but once again I decided it best for me not to do so. I'll just have to trust my memory to keep fragments of images of him. Even now after more than 24 hours of the end of the scrabble competition, I have lost a generous amount of mental images of him. Surely in a few days or weeks to come, the memory of him would disappear as if it never even existed, given the fact that I have to get back to my oh-so-hectic life in school. At least I have his signature XD

*********

That is all for this ridiculously unrealistic tale of a girl having a two-day crush of a person from a different country that is not that far away from her own. Sorry to burst your bubble, but no matter how great (or how lame, depending on your judgement) this anecdote may be, it's still merely some made up story that shouldn't be trusted. Although, I can relate this story to something that really happens in real life. You see how easy it is to feel that you like someone? I mean, the character in the story didn't even see that one coming; having an instant crush on someone she just met. It depends on how we deal with these stuff. Just don't get too overboard because in the end, we are only meant for that one person that has been destined for us. I'm not so sure of the main point of this entry, but hopefully you get the gist. 

*see how I so cleverly diverged your attention to something more beneficial?* XP

Quote di atas macam tiada kaitan sangat. But nvm

Aku... Survive?

Hisyam was currently wearing the t-shirt that he had just bought (or should I say, fooled into buying) at the reject pile.
Wani: Hisyam, ko tak panas ka pakai baju tu?
Hisyam: Aku memang hot. *muka mintak tumbuk*

Aku: Hisyam, kenapa besar sangat baju tu?
Hisyam: Well, I'm a big boy now. =='

At the surau, Wani, Alifah and I were discussing about Hisyam. Somehow forgot the exact conversation, but it goes somewhat like this

Aku: Budak laki kat depan dan belakang la

Wani: Tapi aku tak boleh la tengok Hisyam kat belakang.

Alifah: Ha betul. Tak boleh .

Aku: Kalo Bakte, Haziq, Aiman atau Nur boleh lagi

Alifah: Hisyam masih budak-budak sangat la

XD

Okay. The above is just a small hint about this lil' brother of mine who happens to be a bit wacky and not right in the head as time goes by. Now to the main part of the post.

If I were given the choice of walking or riding a car, I'd choose the former.
If I were given the choice of going out on my own or going out with family members, I'd choose the former.
If I were given the choice of going out alone or with my friends, I'd choose the former.

It suddenly came to me that through all these years of me being a Sabahan, their degree of independence survival has pretty much rubbed off on me. Some of you may not understand, but in my previous school, most of the students' mode of transport is their own two feet or the minibus. As I reach Jalan Bundusan I could see those from Kg Baru heading towards school on foot, and to say that school is just a stone's throw away may be a bit too much. It's a fifteen to twenty minutes journey I guess, if you use the jalan tikus which is a shortcut that happens to be forbidden by the teachers. Thankfully enough for me, I left TTF not without the experience of using that path. We went to CKS during kelas latih tubi PMR for some drinks. Yeah. As for outing, people usually use the minibus (of which the route has permanently found its spot to settle in in my memory) to go to city centre. Teenagers there almost never rely on their parents, and are usually free to roam at their pleasure. Of course pros and cons are there but no need for me to elaborate on that.

Adventure? I think my senior year is already jam-packed with adventures as we speak. It first started off with going to Low Yat Plaza. It was my very first time facing the huge city of KL without my parents, and I felt a deep satisfaction of being able to complete that. Probably the toughest part was switching between monorels and KTMs and stuff. If you want to know how a sardine feels like, please don't hesitate to go to KL. It's a good thing Izza was there to accompany me, or it'll be way creepy o.O

My next outing was to Jalan TAR when Aishah and Farra were planning to go there to hunt for some tudung. KTM. LRT. Again more adventure of buying the token and bla3. Then recently I went out with some juniors to Bangi Gateway but that wasn't much of an adventure since we used taxi service.

And the most recent adventure yet is the one to Kajang in search of supplies for the jualan kelas.We wanted to use the bus but then it was full so we had to use KTM after all. The destination was damn far from the KTM station. Aiman made something funny at the lorong when he speeded up to "go to platform 9 3/4". That was hilarious. We proceeded to MyDin and the horrible air and hot weather made me sweat profusely. By the time we finished buying everything, it was already dark outside. After solat Maghrib, we met at the reject bundle. LOL. The guys were fishing for some cheap clothes to buy.

We want foooooooooddddddd XP

After that, we searched high and low for food but ended up eating KFC. Haziq looked so sad and I felt so bad. I can't bear to see the look on peoples face when they're upset or unhappy, so please jangan tunjuk muka sedih-sedih depan aku. That's my weakness perhaps. Tapi kalo tunjuk muka fake memang aku tumbuk la. I mentally conjured up a few sentences that might cheer him up but none actually came out. Maybe my only means of communication with him is through insults? Okay just a hypothesis. Entah lah. rasa pelik pulak kalau aku cakap baik2 sama dia. Haziq, makanlah. Aku fahamlah perasaan bersalah bila dibelanja tu, tapi kau tak bersalah apa-apa pun. Aku tau kau lapar tu. Tak payah la mau tipu sebab semua orang pun tengah lapar. It's not a big deal la. Belanja makan ja pun. Bukan kami beli kereta untuk kau. Tolong la... Mau jak aku cakap sama dia, "Ui, bikin panas bha jugak kau nie. Tapuji betul. Urang sudah beli makan jak la bha. Tumbuk kau sana" (tapi takkan aku mau cakap macam tu kan. nanti lagi la dia x mau makan XD) Hahahahahahaha. But in the end, dia makan juga... Tapuji betul owh

Muka Aiman... Epic XD

Anak dan mak :3