The Great Gatsby

It was finals week. Everyone else was pulling up an all-nighter, studying their ass off for the final the next day. What was I doing? I was having a novel-reading marathon. Yup. Finished more books that week than the amount of books the whole year. One of the books that I've read, as you might guess, is The Great Gatsby. It was one of the books listed on the must-read books list on goodreads so I borrowed it from the library.

I haven't seen the movie before I went read the book, so I pretty much didn't know the story at all. What immediately caught my attention was the quote at the beginning of the book. It was a quote by the author's father.

"Whenever you feel like critisizing anyone, just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages that you've had" - Nick's dad

That's just one of the truest quotes I've ever read my entire life. Nick's dad must've been a genius! Anyway, I do not intend on elaborating the quote, mostly because I'm not qualified enough and partially because I think it's wonderful for us to ponder upon it on our own. Mind-blowing, when you read and internalize it again and again.

The Great Gatsby was a great book, but it was also one of the few books that I hardly understand a thing. I mean, I do understand the events, but I don't think I fully understood the main gist of the book. ie the hidden meaning and all those literature stuff. I also read 1984 and Animal Farm by George Powell. All of them are heavy books that I'd recommend to anyone looking for some tough reading. Anyway, I've run out of words to say. I'm also dangerously running out of ideas to write in this blog. Hope the quote above blew you away just as it did to me.

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I Think I Was Born Feminist

One of my favourite cartoons was Avatar the Last Airbender. I watched the whole four seasons three freaking times on tv! It was legit the most epic cartoon series ever! (Hi five to those who think the same. You guys rock!). My favourite character of all time is by the name of Toph. It's this kid right here:

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She's a blind orphan who mastered earth bending from badger moles and could actually 'see' her surroundings by feeling the ground using here bare feet. She was exactly the girl I wanted to be: tough, independent, and carefree. She was also famous for her crankiness and short temper. She likes her name - Toph - because it sounds exactly like tough.

Now let's move on to one of my favourite Disney movies (after Monsters Inc.): Mulan. I think almost everyone my age out there have seen this movie at least once in their lifetime. It's the story of Mulan who goes to fight the war by dressing up as a man, since only men were allowed to go to war.

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What do these two have in common? They're fighters. Independent female figures who defy the stereotype against women and show others what they're really capable of doing. As a child, I was fascinated by that idea. Not only that. I also grew furious every time I watch a drama portraying a female getting abused by a male. I disapproved of such symbolization of women; that we are weak and easily manipulated and unable to have our say in a given hierarchy.

But that was long before I knew the term feminism existed. It was just in my instincts that women should be portrayed as a strong and important figures, capable of so much more than merely the dependence on men. Sure, men and women have different roles in society. The only way feminism can work is if men receive the rights of men and women receive the rights of women. But I believe that if women do not need to be protected BY men and FROM men, the world would've been a more peaceful place.

Bottom line: Go watch Avatar the Last Airbender!

"You educate a man, you educate a man. You educate a woman, you educate a generation." -Brigham Young

Plot Twist #0

Plot Twist:
I've decided to disregard my previous intention of abandoning this blog once and for all.

So hi guys! I'm back!

krik krik krik

Anywho, I've come to realise that I just cannot abandon writing altogether. My life is incomplete without type-type-typing out ridiculous things on a blog every once in a while. Wasting your time is all part of the plan.

I must say, my writing has been reduced to a level lower than I could imagine possible - so low that it's wearing fluffy UGG fur boots. *budum tuss*

It's okay if you didn't get that part. I told you how strange my writing is after a while. Which is why I believe this comeback is necessary.

To get things started, let's ramble about the thing that's happening to me right now: finals.
DUMDUMDUM.....

Wow. I can't believe how fast time flies. I know it's common to say that, but only coz it's the truest truths out there. I've ended my freshman year in college. I'm moving on to the next phase: sophomore. A phase where I have no excuse of not knowing stuff or messing up. "You're no longer a freshman" someone might remind me even though I do not need any reminders that I am already getting older. Responsibility ain't as appealing as it sounds peeps.

Well, gotta get back to the stack of papers to my left that's used as scratch paper for my Computer Science final exam practice and also my calculus. Who knew writing codes on paper can be so frustrating.

Anticipate future posts peeps.

That Familiar Face

So there's this one guy. I started to acknowledge his existence when I went to the window of my room one day and saw him walking towards the bus stop. I thought to myself, as I usually do whenever I saw a familiar face, "I've seen this guy somewhere. But where?".

It didn't matter to me back then, so I just let the thought wander off while I continue doing what I was doing (probably getting ready for class. I couldn't recall).

One day in CS lecture, while waiting for the lecture to begin, I, out of habit and the fact that I sit at the back-most of the room, looked around the hall and was astonished to see that guy sitting some rows in front of me. It's the bus stop guy, I immediately concluded. No wonder he looked familiar back then. We're in the same CS class! So that was it. I've gotten my answer. I've labelled him as the CS guy whom I saw outside my window one day and put the memory in the back of my head.

However, it seems that this was just the first piece of puzzle. In Chemistry lab, I saw the same face yet again! He's the guy who's stationed at the same row as me! Well, it's not that I've never seen him before. Rather, I've started to notice how similar he looks compared to the CS guy whom I saw outside my window one day. Strange. My neurons started furiously to dig up the memory that I've buried deep inside my brain. I couldn't really match the two faces, so I decided to wait until the next CS lecture to compare. In the meantime, I stored the Chem lab dude's face into my memory.

Instead of answering existing questions, I was bewildered my more questions that started popping up while none were answered. On the third MCB exam, I saw him yet again! We were taking the exam in the same room! It was weird how I never noticed him in the previous two MCB exams and only saw him today.

So wait a sec. He's in my CS lecture AND Chem lab AND MCB lecture? Is he even the same guy?? What are the odds of a person taking three of the same subjects? If he were an MCB major, why was he taking CS? wtf. Too many questions, so little clues.

Later that week, I was determined to examine him as closely as I can. in CS lecture, I made a mental note of all the small details: his bag, the shirt that he wears, his hair. I tried to match that to the guy I see in Chem lab. I still had no certainty that they were the same guy. They might have been twins right?

During the second to last week of Chem lab, I was determined to just confront him and ask if he was taking any CS courses. It's now or never. But being timid me, it took me a whole lot of internal mental battle to actually say something to him. So the lab went on for about half an hour without me having the courage to talk to him. Just when I was about to get some I2 solution at the back of the lab, I saw him there. I knelled down to pour the solution into my beaker when all of a sudden, he spoke first, "You're like in all my classes". I was stunned - actually my brain was stunned - which led me to the dumb response, "Oh really?"

Seriously? That was my best response? What the f are you thinking?
I went further on, "So you're in CS?".
Yes dumbass. Don't act as if you haven't already been watching him for the past few weeks!
I finally asked him what major he was. "Bioengineering", he said. So that explains why he's taking all this classes. And that was it. The conversation could've been better. But that was it.

Wow. I thought I was the only person who had been watching him. Turns out, he noticed me as well.

Now the semester has ended. We never talked ever since. I sort of wished some sort of friendship could actually grow from that conversation. I have yet had any guy friends here. Sigh.
I currently following the series "My Love from another star". There was a quote from there that I found really powerful but I forgot its exact words.
"If it was destined, wouldn't it be that we will meet again one day no matter what?"
That was lame. Don't remember the exact words.

And so ends my first year in college. Bittersweet moments. Three more years to go

I Hate

This short and exaggerated-to-some-point story is the result of something that has happened some few hours ago and of me reading this book called "The Time of My Life".

"I hate soy milk," I sighed, pouring some of the disgusting liquid into a glass and sipping it.

"But you're drinking it," Z said matter-of-factly.

"I still don't like it," I exclaimed, draining more of the liquid down my throat.

"But you're drinking it," Y pointed out as if it was not obvious enough.

I shrugged.

The whole dinner had been fabulous, and now we're filling up some empty spots in our stomach so we could go back feeling bloated as ever. We discussed about the past and the present and the future, joking about what has happened and what was happening and what we thought would happen someday. I didn't want the night to end.

"Hey, you can't have the chips all by yourself," W blurted, clearly devastated by the sight of the depleting Lays. "Pass it over here will you?"

F handed it over to Z who passed it to Y who gave it to K before the chips got into my hands.

"You know what, you guys can finish these off," I said over a mouthful of chips. "I don't eat these kind of junk."

"But you're eating it," Z and Y announced, already annoyed by me.

I don't get it. I don't eat junk food. I really don't. What's their problem? So I took a handful of the fat-saturated chips before handing the almost-empty packet to W. 

"There. See? She says she hates soy milk yet she chugs it down like it's her favourite drink," Z started on a rant. "And now she claims that she doesn't like junk food but she eats it right in front of our eyes. What is it with you?"

"Stop overreacting will ya?" I decided to remain calm about it.

"I hate soy milk," Y imitated me.

"I don't eat junk food," suddenly it was a let's-imitate-N Day. And nobody even told me about it.

"I don't like P"

There. As simple as that. No explanations needed. It was all implied. Only those who have been with me all these years would be able to read between the lines. That W was suggesting that when I say that I don't like P, what I really meant was that I liked P. W was using the deduction and induction method, generalising statements and generating new statements based on the general formula obtained by induction. Based on W's theory, the I-hate-soy-milk and I-dont-eat-junk-food were opposites of what really is, so the I-dont-like-P is also the opposite of what really is.

Only W's theory has flaws everywhere. I really do hate soy milk and I really don't eat junk food. Period.

But I was too late to justify my stance because by then everyone at the table had agreed upon the theory and laughed at it. It seemed only too true and applicable in their eyes and ears. To not make things worse, I decided to let it pass (because bringing it back up would mean that I care about the theory and being silent would imply that I don't give a damn).

The night still went on well. More shared laughter and shared stories. The only thing that we lacked was tears. Well, tonight was not the right time. But that time will come. Eventually. Soon. Or later.

I went back to my room feeling very well pleased by the time well spent. My roommate has yet to arrive, so I had the room all to myself. I brushed my teeth, prepared for bed, turned off the lights, slammed on the bed and initiated my train of thoughts.

I don't like him but I place a mental note each time he is present or is not present or is sick or is unavailable for the day.

I don't like him but I have to fight the urge to call him or text him or look at him or think about him or talk about him.

I don't like him but I know that he wears blue on a Monday, yellow on a Tuesday, green on a Wednesday, Purple on a Thursday, Beige on a Friday, Magenta on a Saturday, and Orange on a Sunday.

I don't like him but I have to find evidences to win the debate against the other side of me saying that I do like him

I don't like him but I spend some of my time before bed just to remind myself of the things that should be known to me about him.

Okay I do like him. I like him with all my heart and there's nothing anyone can say or do that can make me like him less. I like the way he smiles and the way he laughs and the way he speaks and the way he jokes and the way he talks and the way he can make me feel better after having a bad day. I just like every part of him and now I miss him because he's no longer here. He has moved to another school. He has another life. He has other friends, other people to joke around with and other people to talk to. But even after months of his departure I still can't get rid of the thought of him because he once told me that he liked me too.

Okay I lied. And I'm not good at lying so you might have known that I lied from the very beginning. I do despise him and there is absolutely no way that it shall be otherwise. End of discussion.

And now for the beauty sleep that I so well deserve.

Good night

“You don’t believe things because they make your life better, 

you believe them because they’re true.” 

-Veronica Roth, Allegiant

Tangis

Mungkin sebab terasa, aku mudah menangis
Mungkin sebab kecewa aku mudah menangis
Mungkin sebab tekanan aku mudah menangis
Mugnkin sebab sesalan aku mudah menangis
Mungkin sebab harapan aku mudah menangis
Mungkin sebab amarah aku mudah menangis
Mungkin sebab lemah aku mudah menangis
Mungkin sebab insaf aku mudah menangis
Mungkin sebab kalah dengan emosi aku mudah menangis
Mungkin sebab aku seorang wanita aku mudah menangis
Mungkin sebab hakikatnya aku seorang manusia,
Aku mudah menangis

Awkward Hugs and Fake Smiles

"Hey, I'm T. What's your name?" she said, her eyes glittering with the excitement of meeting someone she has never met before in her life.

"Oh um, Nuraini,"

"Hi nice to meet you. Where are you from?"

"I'm from PERMATApintar"

"Oh," she paused for a fraction of a second, wondering whether to continue asking what the heck this PERMATApintar is or to just let the question linger in her brain until she finds the right time to ask again.

"How old are you," she chose the latter.

"Seventeen,"

"Wow!" she exclaims in utter disbelief.

"And you?" I ask just to make the conversation look more of a conversation and less of an interview.

"I'm 20 - man I feel old," the look of astonishment is still present on her face. "So that means you're not taking SPM?"

"No. Well, yeah actually I did last year. Only that I took two subjects,"

From the gap in her mouth I can tell that she has a problem taking 'em all in. "So the two subjects are?"

"BM and Sejarah," I say. "Because those two subjects are 'wajib lulus SPM' subjects," I continue, knowing that the word "why" would be dancing in her mind.

"So is everyone not taking SPM?"

"Oh no, no. The group who are going to fly this year (insyaAllah) are called the fast-track group. The others in our batch take SPM"

"So now you guys can go prepare for Iftar and we shall proceed with solat Maghrib, Isyak and Tarawih," announces the Amira of the program.

"It was nice talking to ya. See ya later," she walks away and joins her peers.

And I'm left alone.

Not that I mind being alone - I'm quite used to it already. I'm attending this 3-day program all on my own by the way, unlike the others who has company.

I remember a few years back I used to try my best to make friends every time I go to programs like these: camps, workshops or anything similar. I tried so hard that I knew I was trying to be someone else - someone who does not suck at making friends - so I won't end up a loner.

But throughout these past year or past few months of self-discovery, I finally realised that it's just not how I roll. I'm not the friendly type, mind you; I'm the quiet and shy type. The type of people who would rather just stay silent if he/she has nothing better to say, because the fact is, they don't even know what to say! I'm not verbose; I don't easily produce words from my mouth.

And now I was finally able to accept that part of me. To not be embarrassed if I was unable to find a companion because to me, I don't need to actually find one; friendships should be built naturally. Let Friendship blossom with time.

Don't get me wrong though. I may not talk as frequent as the next girl does, but I still allow room for them to get to talk to me, like sitting together with them during meals even though I hardly ever talk to them unless they start talking to me. I speak when I'm spoken to.

I can't make friends easily, unlike some people who do it with the grace of a mamak flipping roti canai. No. That's just not me. But I do like having friends; it's just that I don't like making them or finding them. As I said earlier, let Friendship blossom with time.

I'm not saying it's wrong to actually go out there and find new acquaintances. It's good to increase your number of contacts. I'm simply sharing with you the fact that I find it really tough to make friends on a first meeting and would rather go with the flow (if that's the right term).

*****

"We have come to the end of the program. Thank you all for such a wonderful experience. Now let's get into a circle and we'll start the goodbye salam (salam perpisahan? :P),"

So there I am, standing beside some people I by then have their face and characteristics memorised, putting so much effort in creating a smile that'll convince them that yes, I did have a good time here, because as a matter of fact, I did have fun.

Hugs

Smiles

Goodbyes

Good luck wishes

Take care wishes

Hopes that we'll meet again one day

I don't like lying, so I either nod and smile or simply respond with a "yeah, you too" to their wishes.

Phew! That's finally over.

Now don't blame me. 

It's just how I roll.

When I Read Too Much Romance

Sigh. There's a reason I avoid romance novels, and it has nothing to do with the uncensored details on kissing (and the like) whatsoever. I avoid romance novels because they make me feel like puking out rainbows - in a bad way. But somehow, by some mere coincidence that might have something to do with fate, just recently, two romance novels made it to my reading list (and I did puke out rainbows. good thing they're invisible). So, when I read too much romance, this is what happens:

"If a single person can evoke emotions in you with an intensity that you have never experienced before - be it sadness, happiness, guilt, etc. -, then that person must somehow mean a great deal to you"

"It's amazing how the person who upsets me so easily is also the person who cheers me up just as easy"

"When reading something someone wrote about their crush, how long would it take for you to realise that they are actually talking about you?"

"If you like a person and you use a metaphor of the human vision to describe how he/she sees you, you might fall into one of three groups. The first is right at his/her focal point. The second is somewhere at the retina and the third is directly in the blind spot. There's a high chance that you might fall into the latter"

That last part sounds like crappy shit. Okay, they all sound like shit, but the last is definitely the shittiest (I used the word shit three times in a single paragraph. Wait, make that four).

I can be highly influenced by what I read. In terms of language, that is. Like the time when I did a Harry Potter book marathon that lasted for weeks, I actually thought that I might sound like some witch from Hogwarts. Blimey, this was all Voldermort's idea! Oh no, I said his name out loud! Bloody hell now he's gonna chase me and kill me with one of his Avada Kedavra magic and I'm doomed oh please help me Harry for you have the ability to repel against his dark magic thank you so much oh Ron is so cute when he was little.

Now that's lame. I am officially a disgrace to all Harry Potter fans. Boo me. Frowney face :(

This blog post seems to be getting nowhere. Anywho, the main point is that reading influences my language a lot. I mean, a LOT. I kinda like it cause I'm naturally not that good with words especially when speaking. Just for your information, The Fault In Our Stars features the most sweetest romance I have ever seen in my entire life. Maybe it's the fact that both of them share the same job: Having Cancer, or is it something else? It's the first time I read something so romantic without having the urge to facepalm and say "eww" and puke. I think I'm gonna cry now.

In other news, school have just started and the exam results are out. No further discussions are deemed necessary.

The Setia

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"Kahwin. Kau takut tak?"

"Hah? Apa kau panggil aku tadi? "Kahwin"? Mentang-mentang kita dah lama tak jumpa, kau boleh pulak panggil nama aku salah."

"Haish budak nie boleh main-main pulak. Aku tengah serious nie," berkerut dahinya mendengar jawapanku yang berbau loyar buruk itu. Nyata aura seriusnya itu terpancar di mukanya bagai nur di pagi hari. 

Aku sengih kerang busuk. Saja ja nak mengelak daripada menjawab soalannya tadi. Milo panas yang sudah lama menjadi milo suam itu terus dikacau lalu diteguk. Aku cukup alergik dengan 6-letter word itu. Cukup menghantui meskipun usiaku masih belum mencecah usia mengundi pun. Tetapi ramai yang seusia denganku sudah mula berfikir-fikir tentang jodoh, dan tidak kurang juga yang telah menjumpai "si dia" yang dikatakan Mr/Mrs Right.

Pfft!

Kawanku yang sedang minum bersamaku di gerai tepi jalan ini, Shakira namanya. Panggil Kira. Nama macam penyanyi lagu waka waka eh eh masa zaman FIFA 2010 tu, tapi gaya memang macam anak kampung sejati. Lama aku tak bersua muka dengannya - hampir dua tahun - dan dalam tempoh itu terlalu banyak yang berubah.

Dulu...

"Weyh kau nie lembik sangat lah. Cuba kau keras sikit, jual mahal sikit," aku cuba memberi nasihat kepada Kira yang bercerita tentangku akan lelaki yang diminatinya itu. Lelaki itu seorang senior. Hensem? Ada rupa. Ada gaya. Bolehlah. Sudah beberapa bulan mereka boleh dikatakan "bersama" tetapi tak pernah "declare" couple secara official. 

"Aku tak bolehlah weyh. Aku cepat rasa bersalah. Macam mana kau boleh jadi kuat ah?" Kira mengadu lagi. Biasalah, kalau dah ada that special relationship, walaupun tak official, pasti ada saja pergolakan yang berlaku. Oh ya, lupa nak mention. That guy I'm talking about is a player. Playboy. Sebelum nie tukar-tukar girlfriend tak heran la. Macam mana dia boleh terjebak dengan si Kira nie pun, aku tak tau.

"Kau diam ja. Biar ja dia. Jangan buat move apa-apa. Nanti dia baru dia dapat rasa sikit apa yang kau rasa," aku tidak berputus asa. Geram rasanya bila ada lelaki yang buat kawan baikku sampai macam tu sekali. Tak berhati perut punya orang! Kalau aku jadi kau lah Kira, dah lama dah aku tinggalkan lelaki macam dia tu.

Aku geleng kepala. Dulu betapa aku anti dengan cintan cintun tak tentu pasal sampai tunggang terbalik kapal karam nie. Tapi sekarang, lepas aku bermastautin di kawasan lain, jauh dari Kira, berjumpa dengan orang pelbagai ragam, baru aku nampak apa sebenarnya yang dilalui oleh Kira. 

Kira terlalu setia. Dia bukan seorang yang sanggup menyakitkan hati orang lain meskipun hatinya sendiri telah parah. Teringat pula panggilan telefon antara aku dan Kira. "Aku dah cuba suka orang lain, tapi tak dapat," dia berkata kepadaku. Selepas aku berpindah, lelaki itu telah menamatkan pengajiannya, tetapi daripada apa yang diceritakan oleh Kira melalui telefon dan media sosial, perasaannya terhadap lelaki itu tidak pernah pudar (walaupun lelaki itu sudah mempunyai girlfriend baru!).

Pada ketika itu aku memilih untuk tidak menjadi rakan yang asyik membebel menyuruhnya toughen up and forget about him. Aku memilih untuk mendengar dan memahami. Kira terlalu setia. Sekali dah suka pada seseorang, dia akan suka sepenuh hati sehingga tiada ruang lagi untuk lelaki lain. Baru aku tahu bahawa kesetiaan itulah menunjukkan betapa kuatnya Kira berbanding aku. Kerana aku, jika diberi situasi yang serupa, mungkin akan gagal pada percubaan pertama.

"Hopeless jugak la kau nie," aku membisik pada diri sendiri. Hopeless dalam percintaan. At this rate you'll never find the right guy any time soon! Bukan tak pernah orang menyebut perkataan "suka" itu kepada aku, tetapi,

1. Ayat-ayat jiwang makes me puke

2. Aku buat dono ja, as if nothing happened

Yup. Entah apa yang aku alergik sangat dengan benda-benda macam nie. Mungkin sebab... Aku tak percaya? Tak percaya akan cinta. Tak percaya akan kesetiaan. Tak percaya akan kasih sayang. Semuanya aku buat tak caya ja. Sebab apa? Sebab aku takut. Takut sekiranya aku akan berasa sakit hati di kemudian hari. Sakit hati sebab cinta, setia, kasih dan sayang itu cuma ungkapan kosong yang lahir dari mulut seorang insan yang tengah angau; dan nanti bila you are snapped back to reality, semuanya babai saja la. Ibarat menanam tebu di bibir (mohon maaf kepada pihak DBP atas penggunaan peribahasa yang tidak menentu).

Mungkin aku tak pernah alaminya lagi, sebab itulah sesedap hati ja aku rasa anti. Tabik spring aku pada insan setabah Kira. Bagi aku, bodoh (sekali lagi mohon maaf atas penggunaan kata yang mungkin agak kasar. hehe) lah lelaki itu untuk tidak nampak ketulusan hati seorang Shakira. Bukan mudah untuk mencari seorang wanita yang tidak membina dinding keegoan semata-mata untuk menghalang cinta yang dikatakan akan membuat kita lemah dan tidak tentu arah daripada hadir dalam hati.

"Woi! Termenung dari tadi. Dari aku pergi tandas sampai aku balik sini kau masih merenung entah ke mana," Shakira bersuara memecah lamunanku. "Ke kau tengah usha abang roti canai tu?" Kira mengangkat kening ke arahku.

Ketawa pecah.

"So... cakap pasal kahwin," alamak, aku ingatkan dia dah lupa pasal tu!

"You know what, let's drop the subject," Kira menggeleng, tetapi dia akur. Faham akan karenah dan penyakit alergi aku yang dibuat-buat itu.

"Sampai bila kau nak mengelak nie?"

"Sampai aku sedia."

"Bila?"

"Bila tiba masanya," aku sengih, sebab aku sendiri sedang tanya soalan yang sama kepada diri sendiri.

"Well, jangan lama-lama. Tak nak best pren aku jadi andartu pulak!"

Haha. Lawak lah kau nie Kira.

"Nanti kita tengok siapa yang kahwin dulu."

"On!"

Dan aku terus menghirup milo suhu bilik itu sampai habis.

--------------------------

#002

He smiled. It might have been my mere imagination, or it might have not been, but what I did see that he wasn't frowning. Nor was his demeanour anywhere near expressionless. So was he smiling? It seemed so weird a gesture. A smile had never been so out of place except on his face. Jarang dia baik macam tu kat aku. Well, not saying he's mean. Just pointing out the fact that, well, it's the first time I ever saw him do that. Nampak ikhlas, tapi mungkin judgement aku salah. Biarlah.

****

Kenapa aku nie pemalu sangat weyh?

Kau pemalu ka? Setahu aku kau la orang yang paling tak tau malu.

Ah.. Kenapa mesti aku rasa malu. Malu sangat. Susah nak berkomunikasi dengan manusia. Sebab malu.

*****

Berhenti merungut. Terlalu banyak yang kau perlu syukuri untuk kau luahkan ketidakpuasan hati kau hanya disebabkan sesuatu yang sekecil biji sawi.

I remember your smile

Was YouTube-walking the other day (before wifi went down) and stumbled upon this one nasheed that really touched my heart. Well, for starters, I don't like loud, booming music that just gives you earache (and me, headache). I prefer listening to something slow, sentimental and loaded with meanings (not that I am a person with those characteristics mentioned).

Sadly, not much music nowadays fit into that description, and that is why I feel the need (to help humankind) to share this heart-warming nasheed. If you think you might be allergic to this kind of music, well, tak kenal maka tak cinta. Hehe.

Your smile

And yet

So hard

Remember

Your eyes

Most of all

I remember

Your smile

Where there is right there is no wrong

I always thought we were so strong

but our time just flew by

There wasn´t a chance to say goodbye

I´m so confused

I feel all alone

Deep in my heart

I know Allah has called you home

But yet

Your smile

Still lingers in my mind

And yet

It´s so hard

I just break down and cry

I remember

Your eyes

Find away to melt my heart

Most of all

I remember

I remember your smile

Sometimes I lie awake at night

The pain in my heart I just can´t find

Why did you have to go away?

Yet I know none of us can stay

You will always be

so special to me

In this world 

you will always live as a memory

But yet

Your smile

Still lingers in my mind

And yet

It´s so hard

I just break down and cry

I remember

Your eyes

Find away to melt my heart

Most of all

I remember

I remember your smile

But yet

Your smile

Still lingers in my mind

And yet

It´s so hard

I just break down and cry

I remember

Your eyes

Find away to melt my heart

Most of all

I remember

I remember your smile

There you go ^_^
What do you think of this nasheed? Feel like crying now? Want a tissue? (please say yes please say yes please say yes) :P

Sikit Lagi

It's been more than a year now. You know what I mean. And in a matter of weeks or possibly months, this whole thing would be over. Once and for all. I've been through the bitter pain of self-studying. I've endured the fight for SPM without the aid received by the other SPM candidates out there. I've struggled to keep afloat when so many things just burden me and threaten to sink me to the bottom. I've learnt too many things the hard way. I've been in situations that cause me discomfort. I have felt what it feels like to have your heart shattered. Eh. 

And it's all coming to an end. Dum dum dummmm...

Well, all I have to do now is finish off my research and its report in 1 week and get an A+ for it, send in my Portfolio and Career Folio (and get an A+ for that as well), ace the upcoming interviews and get my hands on that scholarship, negotiate with the university people for a change in major, study for the upcoming exams,  be prepared for SPM just in case that track is destined for me, get all dolled up ready for the College Dinner, and on top off all, survive. All I have to do now is survive. I have gone a long way (Alhamdulillah) and quitting now would mean injustice. All I have to do is survive.. And strive.. And pray for the best...

Sikit lagi.. Sikit lagi..

Fighting!

"Crush" dari Seberang

Him: *places a bingo word with a blank tile on the board*
Me: *challenges the word*
Him: *points towards the blank tile and says "A"*
Me: *writes the word on a piece of paper*.
Him: *points again and says A*
Me: *just nods*
Him: *points yet again and says the same letter*
Me: *nods but starts thinking: wait, probably he means the letter "E"*
Me: Ohhhh.. E? *Writes the letter e on the paper*
Him: Yes
Me: Haha.. Owh okay..

Tak sangka pulak yang aku akan tulis kat blog pasal benda nie. But let's just pretend that this is just another fictitious short story. Tiada kaitan dengan yang hidup mahupun yang telah meninggal dunia. I added in some hiperbola and tokok tambah so it'll be something that is totally impossible to believe. Again, this is not a true story, just based on one. Let's begin.

********

I didn't realize it then, but towards the end of the game, it suddenly occurred to me that this opponent of mine is kinda cute. Okay, okay, don't get me wrong. I know how easily I see something or someone as cute or adorable, but this is a totally different situation (I'm obsessed with everything cute). We're talking about an Indonesian guy here people, just as the above conversation suggests. I didn't even know he wasn't a Malaysian up to that point, and all that while I had been using Malay language. Darn. Well back to the discussion at hand.

So yeah, he's a really good scrabble player too. It was the fifth round and we were ranked based on our results from the third game. Surprisingly I was ranked 9 and him 10, so it was as if we were destined to meet at that time and place. Okay, kidding. It was a huge mistake (for me), because ranking high means none other than meeting with those terer people, and I knew that I wasn't ready for that. I mean, these are the people who practiced yo! And the only practice I did all this while was the scrabble app on my ipad, and even that was nowhere near memorizing the long list of 2-letter and 3-letter words and bingo combinations and wjvz words. I have time constrains, what with all the softball practice and assignments and the typically busy life of yours truly.

Up to this point I have realized that I have diverged from the topic twice already. Where shall I begin again? Oh yes, let's skip to the point where he did three bingos. Yup. That wasn't a typo people. I seriously mean three bingos; dead serious. This person's insane. Well, you know what they I say: scrabble is half on luck itself. Sometimes you get the right combinations for a bingo. Sometimes you just get stuck with difficult letters without having any idea of where to dump it.

Anyway, back to our game. We finished off with a spread of 100+. That's quite huge, but I was pleased nevertheless. I mean, it's not like I expect a win or something, what with the top scorers and all. So then his friend came along. I'm not really the observant type - I don't really scrutinize people's face, not even my opponent's, especially if it's a he - so I don't remember which friend of his it was. They talked about something that I understood for a fraction of a second before it simply slipped my mind afterwards. They were talking about their game, not sure exactly what it was about; I don't like paying attention to people's conversation.

So yeah, I lost. Bad. And he was good. Damn good. What happened next was my very first experience. He held his hand out (obviously for a handshake). You know, like what people do in competitions. I simply shook my head with a mixture of awe and perplexity. Quite taken aback, but he was quick to apologize. I let out a chuckle to reduce the awkwardness that might occur if I were to leave my expression blank. His buddy said something that goes like, "weyh apa la kau nie..". In Indonesian, that is. And he was like, mana la aku tau...

Like I said, I didn't realize that he was kinda cute until we finished playing. Thank goodness though, because the last thing I want is sweat profusely if someone whom I think is cute would sit in front of me for an hour or so. Dreadful. And so I we both left the table.

I feel stupid for the next few hours. No, not the stupid stupid. I mean I feel stupid for having the urge to find him, but since I am aware that it would bring me no benefit at all, I decided it best that I didnt even try. And so I didn't. But I knew he would always be seated at the first tables, just because he's so awesome (in scrabble). I made an intentionally accidental glance towards him for half a second, smile like an idiot and look away. Geez. Facepalm. How much more pathetic can girls be.

The thought of taking his picture (or taking a picture with him) did occur to me, but once again I decided it best for me not to do so. I'll just have to trust my memory to keep fragments of images of him. Even now after more than 24 hours of the end of the scrabble competition, I have lost a generous amount of mental images of him. Surely in a few days or weeks to come, the memory of him would disappear as if it never even existed, given the fact that I have to get back to my oh-so-hectic life in school. At least I have his signature XD

*********

That is all for this ridiculously unrealistic tale of a girl having a two-day crush of a person from a different country that is not that far away from her own. Sorry to burst your bubble, but no matter how great (or how lame, depending on your judgement) this anecdote may be, it's still merely some made up story that shouldn't be trusted. Although, I can relate this story to something that really happens in real life. You see how easy it is to feel that you like someone? I mean, the character in the story didn't even see that one coming; having an instant crush on someone she just met. It depends on how we deal with these stuff. Just don't get too overboard because in the end, we are only meant for that one person that has been destined for us. I'm not so sure of the main point of this entry, but hopefully you get the gist. 

*see how I so cleverly diverged your attention to something more beneficial?* XP

Quote di atas macam tiada kaitan sangat. But nvm

Kisahnya...

Mahu rehat, tak tau mahu buat apa. Baca buku? Buku apa yang aku mahu baca? Study? Dude, seriously not the right time. Terfikir jugak mahu baca falsafah matematik tu, tapi lain kali saja la. Mahu baring tapi tak mahu tidur. Dah cukup dah aku melelapkan mata dalam bas tadi. So here I am, blogging once again. Sebenarnya aku memang suka berkongsi cerita, tetapi bukan dengan manusia. Aku tidak suka berkata-kata, tetapi aku suka menyampaikan cerita aku melalui tulisan. Sebab itulah dulu aku punya sebuah diari yang aku isi saban hari. Di situlah aku coretkan kisah-kisah yang bagi aku memberi signifikan pada aku ketika itu. Aku rasa, korang mesti boleh teka aku tulis pasal apa. Ya, crush aku suatu ketika dulu. Hmm... Bukan crush sangat pun sebenarnya, tapi mungkin... Aku cuma ada sedikit perasaan suka dan malu terhadap dia. Eh, suka? Tak sangat la kot. Malu ja yang lebih. Sekarang nie, rasanya aku tak sanggup lagi mahu baca luahan hati aku semasa aku berusia 12 tahun. Menampakkan betapa kurangnya kematangan aku pada usia yang sepatutnya aku dah mula faham selok-belok kehidupan. Ish ish ish. Rasa malu pada diri sendiri. Tapi Alhamdulillah, telah tiba saatnya aku menemui tujuan dan matlamat hidup. Eh, aku mahu cakap pasal apa tadi ya? Rasanya, bukan pasal benda nie, tapi tidak mengapa. Aku ingat lagi masa aku sekolah menengah rendah dulu aku selalu sahaja texting. Mungkin kadar texting aku itu boleh dikatakan kurang berbanding kawan-kawan sebaya yang lain, tapi aku tetap melakukannya. Aku selalu texting dengan seorang best friend aku yang bernama Aida Husna. Maklumlah, waktu tu kami pakai DiGi yang bayar hanya 1 sen untuk setiap text. Ya, di sekolah aku memang banyak pengguna DiGi, termasuklah diri aku sendiri. Aku kerap juga texting dengan si Ikhwan dan si Shahin, dua kawan lelaki yang rapat jugak lah dengan aku. Sejujurnya, dulu aku tak ramai kawan yang rapat sebab aku bukanlah seorang yang dikatakan friendly mahupun talkative, tapi aku tak kisah kerana mereka sudah cukup mewarnai hidupku yang lalu.

Sejak aku masuk PERMATApintar pula, aku perasan bahawa amalan-amalan yang aku nyatakan di atas semakin lama semakin menghilang. Diari? Agaknya, tiada masa aku untuk mencatat memori-memori yang indah ketikamana diri ini dihantui dengan tugasan-tugasan yang menanti untuk disiapkan. Tapi aku tetap gemar berkongsi cerita dan Alhamdulillah, blog ini sangat membantu. Sejak aku ada blog nie, aku jarang online di Facebook mahupun Twitter kerana kini aku mempunyai sebuah medium yang lebih syok untuk menulis. Tak perlulah bagi aku untuk menunggu orang menekan butang like pada post aku. Pada aku, kepuasan menulis adalah apabila aku berjaya menyampaikan apa yang tersimpan dalam benak fikiranku. Orang tak baca? Siapa kisah, bukan? Untuk texting pula, boleh dikatakan amalan itu sudah terhapus. Musnah. Hancusssssss. Semakin hari nampaknya handphone aku semakin senyap. Semakin tidak berbunyi. Kini fungsinya adalah untuk berhubung seandainya terdapat hal penting. Ha. Aku rasa salah satu faktornya ialah penggunaan LINE dan WeChat yang mempunyai peranan yang sama seperti texting. Maklumlah, di sini ada wifi free.

Hmm. Hari nie ada lawatan ke Seri Menanti dan Muzium Negeri Sembilan, tetapi aku hanya munculkan diri di muzium itu sahaja. Huhu. Yang paling menyedihkan, tiada siapa yang sudi belanja aku coklat. Sanggup T_T

Aku dah dibuang kelas dengan rasminya oleh ketua iaitu Hisyam, tapi tak pula dinyatakan yang aku dibuang keluarga, so aku assume yang dia masih adik aku. Aku taulah yang mereka lebih bahagia tanpa aku kan.. *tiba-tiba Ain Nasuha LINE "JANGAN NAK BUAT CERITA SEDIH SANGAT LAH KAN"* XD

Apa lagi ya? Oh, semalam Mr H datang dan bertemu dengan kami K1. Tu ha selfie bersama beliau (at the beginning of the post) B)

Satu quote yang aku perkatakan semalam

"Aku tau dia baik, tapi aku tetap akan nafikan fakta itu walau apapun yang terjadi"

Situasi di Dewan Makan

Hari nie banyak kejadian yang telah berlaku di Dewan Makan Pusat PERMATApintar Negara. Ada kejadian suka dan duka. Ok, aku tipu ja. Tiada sebarang peristiwa duka yang telah terjadi. Alhamdulillah

Situasi #1: Breakfast a.k.a Sarapan

Ada latihan sofbol pukul 8 pagi, so aku turun DM kira-kira 15 minit sebelum masa yang dijanjikan. Ada sekumpulan pelajar lelaki yang duduk semeja (seperti biasa, di hadapan tv) dan sekumpulan pelajar perempuan yang duduk semeja tidak jauh dari tv.
Tiba-tiba...
TV: UTC.. UTC..
Some guys and girls: Pusat pelbagai perkhidmatan... Berkhidmat, untuk rakyat... *aku tak ingat lirik*
Aku pun tak pasti apa signifikannya peristiwa tersebut sehingga mendapat tempat di blog post aku, tapi memang agak lawak + funny. UTC Televisyen ft. the PERMATA breakfast team

Situasi #2: LDK

Menjaga Hati

Perlukah aku rasa cemburu?
Perlukah aku rasa sakit hati?
Tidak
Then why does it seem so arduous
to rid myself of such thoughts?
I tried shooing it away
Locking the doors so it won't stay
It disappears, in fact
But it keeps coming back
to haunt
and to taunt
to tease
not to please
If only you could read minds
Because in there you would find
Stuff you would've never taken heed
But they are true, true indeed
It hurts
to the point that I feel numb
but I know you are not dumb
To truly understand
Where two of us really stand
I bid you farewell
In my dreams, I could tell
That I want you out of my sight
But there you are, to my left and to my right
It's not easy a task
Still, I do ask
That you move on with life
And I go on with mine

Allahuakbar
In You I seek protection

Banjir

Hujan... Hujan... Hujan... Bukan, bukan hujan yang band tu. Tapi hujan, Air. Ayak. Water. Bond yang terhasil antara dua atom hidrogen dan satu atom oksigen. H2O. Dah seminggu hujan lebat turun setiap hari. Berhenti sekejap, datang lagi.

Dah lebih kurang lima tahun pula kawasan perumahan aku nie tak kena banjir. First kena banjir tahun 2004 time aku darjah satu. Masa tu aku dengan abang aku masih kongsi bilik, tidur katil double-decker. Dia di atas, aku di bawah. Lepas tu bila aku bangun pagi dan nampak air naik, aku kejutkan abang aku and I was like :D

Happy lah masa tu sebab dapat main air.