Solitude

It struck me somewhere around noon, that since I got here (PEMATApintar) I rarely ever "see" the real world again. I'm just stuck in the middle of UKM (so to say). I remembered approximately two years back when I was in KK. My school was not that far from home but still I had to go there by car. I see lots of things along the way. Shops, people, houses, roads, vehicles, dogs, cats. And on certain days, on the way back home, my mum would stop by CKS or Milimewa to buy some goods before heading home. During the weekends we used to go out to shopping malls - Center Point, 1B, Suria Sabah etc - because there was practically nothing better to do at home. I thought my life was restricted then (having have the same set of routine going on over and over). Well, I never knew PERMATA life then. As I reflect my past on this blissful afternoon, it occurred to me that I no longer see the public much. All I see are the same faces over and over and over and over and... over. The same faces. To the point that I even recognise which shirt is whose, and which shoes is whose, and which baju kurung is whose. The only places I go to is around these not-so-well-fenced perimeters, unless I go for outing of course. I wanted to go outing on my own but my mum won't allow me to. Going with friends? There is a rombongan of girls going out today, but I favour solitude. I don't know. I do love spending the holidays this way. Just me. Alone in the company of my own shadow with sounds coming only from my own brain. The less the merrier I said to Ain. Yeahhh... I prefer silence than talking (though in some unexplainable situations I tend to be a bit loud), and I prefer listening to stories than telling them. All in all, this day was great. ^^

A Board Game of Strategic Skills

Honestly, chess is not my game. I'm not saying this simply because I didn't manage many wins today (though some part of that does put a bit of an influence); but more of the fact that "strategy"? I'm not much good at it. 

Before you continue, it would be my greatest honour to state that this post may be long, dull, and altogether insignificant, so a piece of advice I could give to you at this point is to skedaddle. Scram. GTH outta here. Okay? Cool. As I've mentioned in an earlier post, I no longer have a diary and, this does act as a diary to some extent; and you'll be seeing words upon words upon words in this post, with only one photo at the very end.

There were 8 of us PERMATApintarians, four for each gender. You know what, when I think about it, I had been missing class quite a lot since the beginning of the year. From LDK to this chess competition, and stuff. What's more, I really don't give a shit. Yeah. That's my idea of a senior year. I don't want to leave school with no stories whatsoever to tell people. When I'm out of PERMATA, I want to be able to share an inch-thick memoir and not just some crap on homework and assignment. I want to break out of my academic-oriented self and venture things around me - even if it means sacrificing my grades (though I sure hope that won't happen. Na'uzubillah). All these years, due to the education system that brainwashes people into thinking that "You must score the national exams or else you'll be stupid", I have put too much thought into academic work. Argh. Scoring exams is one thing, learning is another.

Before It Happens

Am sitting here currently having nothing better to do than stare at the computer screen. Wal 'asr. Indeed, mankind is in lost.

Somehow I was reminded by one of Prophet Muhammad's (pbuh) hadith that goes

Amar bin Maymoon Al-Audi (radhi Allahu anhu) narrates that once Rasul Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) gave the following advice to a Sahaabi: “Treasure five things before five: Your youth before old-age; your health before illness; your wealth before poverty; your free time before becoming occupied, and your life before death." [Tirmidhi] 

Youth before old-age. I'm not deluding you when I say I'm still young. Still have the strength, the capability, the power. Still able to stand on my own two feet. Alhamdulillah.

Your free time before becoming occupied. Most of the time, I find myself either having absolutely nothing to do or extremely huge piles of work to be settled. When will I ever learn? *sigh*

Your life before your death. YOLO. I'm sure you've at least heard of that. You only live once. You only have one chance to live in this dunya before going on to the hereafter. So why waste this golden opportunity, to gain as much amal as could? Because when Malaikat Jibril comes, you know that your time is up...

Silence

Many times I remind myself of this quote

Many times I try putting it to practice

Many times... I failed...

O Allah, provide me strength to refrain myself from unnecessary speech,

for the more words produced by the mouth, the more likely it is for me to speak things that may be the reason for Your displeasure

I am only silent in the presence of those I am not used to (a few years back I used to be the quiet type)

And once people whom I am comfortable with gets into my zone, I start talking, often about worldly things. I should stop that. Halt. Terminate. Discontinue. Put a stop to it. 

People always say that girls talk way more than boys, and I disagree with that statement to some extent. I do wish that one day I may reduce the urge to speak nonsense. Amiin. Truly, the tongue is the sharpest, most powerful weapon that one owns.

However it is, I just have to be certain that I shall never throw in the towel. Ever.

Ouch

Past experiences? Probably the root cause. Bukan aku nak tuduh orang macam-macam, tapi tolonglah. Bila hati ini rasa sakit - betul-betul sakit - aku lebih rela berdiam diri. Biar orang tak nampak. Biar orang tak tau. Sebab sapa peduli kan? When it comes to fabricating the truth, to me, you have crossed the line. Bukan, bukan aku benci pada orangnya; aku benci pada perbuatan itu. Mungkin salah aku jugak, sebab terlalu mudah terasa. Sensitif. Kalau aku dah terasa tu, memang aku singkirkan orang tu dari hidup aku sehinggalah perasaan aku kembali reda. Cubalah aku kuatkan hati ni sikit, bagi keras sikit. Jangan senang sangat nak terasa nie. Biarlah dia. Pilihan dia. Kehidupan dia. Dia nak cakap apapun, terpulang pada aku untuk telan walaupun pahit. Aku... memang have been having doubts since... since you first did what you did to me a few moments ago (or at least it seemed to be merely moments ago). Bukan sekali dua kali, tapi banyak kali. Kau mengingatkan aku terlalu banyak pada peristiwa yang pernah berlaku suatu ketika dahulu. Duka. Maaf, kerana aku terlalu emosi. Kerana aku tidak mampu nak meletakkan kepercayaan itu lagi. Memang dah lama hilang pun. 

Maaf...